Cat's Outta' the Bag

Motivation

Inspiration

Calculation

Sink your anchor into any
or better yet all,
of these,
let them guide your
life choices
career choices
school choices
food choices
commitment choices
even
friend choices,

and you may just find yourself
accomplishing your goals
meeting your objectives
overcoming your obstacles
cherishing your relationships
and being the woman
you really want to be.

I know
because when I am not tapped into them,
little else seems to work
I am unable to connect
find fulfillment
manage my time
my emotions
my day-to-day life.

I need all three working in my life,
intertwined like a rope,
or a braid....

keeping the fly-aways tamed.

My daughters have gorgeous hair
in abundance
beautiful hair
which tangles and knots while they sleep
and especially, when they swim.

Since pool season is upon us,
when I remember to do so,
I braid their hair before they dive in,
and the agony of knots in (and after) showers,
are much easier to deal with.

Likewise, I need the three strands of
motivation, inspiration and calculation
to keep me strong and free and tamed.

What is your motivation today?
What are you working toward....
and why?

Your inspiration?
What is keeping you on the path?
Is your longing
your goal
your finish line
your want
something trivial?
something shallow?
something lacking soul
and heart
and reason?
What is inspiring you to continue
to push on
to stay with it
to pursue with passion?

Have you calculated the cost?
Have you put pen to paper
Penciled in dates
Assessed the true need
Asked yourself the tough questions
Sought to answers to the Whys?
Have you calculated how this will change you?
How you want to change?
What you are willing to do
to become
to grow
to live
to re-shape
redefine
rediscover
return
to you
and who you want to be?

I am in the process
I know my motivation.......

I have won a trip to Cacun
Yes.
Won it.
Won a trip to the beautiful beaches of the Gulf of Mexico!
I am turning 42
in Mexico.
I am turning 42 in Mexico,
with a very different life than when I turned 41
in Atlanta
And I am motivated to be my
Absolute
Total
100%
42-year old
living-life-to-the-fullest
learning-from-the-messes-and-successes
finding-beauty-in-the-stretch-marks
BEST
I can possibly be.

I am inspired by the time away from the chaos and duties of life
the freedom to have fun and celebrate
the joy of traveling where I have never been before
literally
and
Oh
So
Very
Symbolically.
I am inspired that I did NOTHING to earn this trip
or deserve this treat
or merit this blessing
or work for it.

I was simply smiled upon by God.
He simply whispered to me,
"This is for you.
I know where you are,
I have not forgotten you.
I see all you have been through
and know there is more to come...
but I want you to know,
I remember you.
I am terribly fond of you.
I have been here all along.
I know you better than you know yourself.
I know what you need.
I know what brings you joy.
I know what will help heal you.
I know how to reach you with My love,
and take your breath away
and give to you what you have never even asked for.
I know how to love you.
And I do.
Here....
Here's a prize.
Enjoy it.
Love it.
Plan for it.
Be inspired by it.
Be inspired by MY love for you."

So.
I am re-building my hopes
remembering my faith
breathing deeper
taking it all in
crying over good things
leaning in to His love

Feeding My Self
rather than eating in the shadows.

And I have lost 4 pounds

And I will wear a skimpy bikini in Cancun.



But I will not post pictures.

That's all.
Be YOUR best,
Becky

A Matter of Perspective

I've been paying bills.
I've been working 2 jobs.
Not great jobs.
Not perfect, "I've Always Wanted to do This" jobs.
Not even jobs that pay me well.
But I have been working.
And paying bills.
On time.

And it feels....
Well,
Honestly...
It feels
Good.
It feels satisfying.
I feel satisfied when I pay my bills.

Satisfied I CAN pay my bills.
Satisfied, that my work
my little, dinky jobs
pay me money,
and that, in turn, I can pay a bill or two.

Without those jobs...
(Yikes!)
Life would be different.
I know there are those of you out there,
reading this
who are needing work
or the person you are married to, is needing work.
I know there are some of you who struggle with paying your bills.
I get that.
I know that.
I am there sometimes too.

But here is what I am realizing today,
those bills,
those papers that crowd my mailbox,
with all the dates and numbers and dollar $igns,
for simple things like
electricity, water, cell phone minutes and cable TV,
Can be viewed in at least two different ways:

1) I can see them and think, "I hate paying bills. I hate that these simple things cost me so much. WHY do I have to pay so much here, when I want to spend my money THERE? Ugh! Bills! Bills are horrible! Bills make me miserable. Bills keep me from getting to do what I really wish I could do!"

And quite honestly, this is a totally understandable to way to feel about/look at bills. But there is another way to look at them too. This is the way I look at bills now (or at least this evening, as I was setting up payments on line and writing checks...):

2) I am so glad, I can even pay this bill. I am proud of myself for the work I put in, to make the money, so I can talk on my cell phone and text my friends. I LOVE that I was able to watch the Royal Wedding, and the finales of my top shows because I had cable last month. The day I turned on the AC this month put me in such a great mood, because it meant summer is on the way! It's great to have money to pay my bills. Great to even have a job!"

I know
I know
I know....
it all sounds a little goofy.
a little too happy, perky, peppy, over-the-top.
But,
there is something to be said about trying a new perspective.

I get it:
Some bills are just too expensive.
Some fees are stupid, and outrageous and annoying
and unfair.
I'm working on my attitude with those bills.

The bills for things I've bought during the month,
the stuff I loaded in my cart, that I could have left on the shelf...
those bills....fill me with questions, little regrets and guilt.
Those bills, I need to really study
analyze
press myself to understand
and stop adding to their bottom line.


(You see where I'm going with this, don't you?
You know what point I'm about to make, right?
You can guess what's next, can't you?)

Bills=Weight
Paying Bills=Losing Weight
Perspective=Perspective

You can look at losing weight,
changing your life
working on yourself
making adjustments,
cutting back
working out
pushing away from the table
putting down the fork
leaving the sweets on the shelf at the store
Feeding Yourself, rather than eating...
in many different ways,
but TWO specifically, which will make a huge difference
(I believe)
in your success...
your long-term,
stick-with-it,
see-it-through,
change-for-good
success.

Perspective 1:
Is this journey about loss?
Feeling stressed and struggling?
Bending your will?
Fighting to beat something?
Dreading the changes?
Focusing on sacrifice?
Putting yourself down?
Doing without what you want?
Missing out on what you love?

or

Perspective 2:
This journey is about discovery, regaining, becoming
This is about choices
Choosing who I want to be
and how I am going to get there.
This is about picking myself up.
Looking at where I have been and where I am going.
Deciding what is best for me.
Wanting what is good for me.
Living in a way that adds to my life
and the meaning of my life.
I am in the middle of learning what I really want.
I am, with each decision.....closer
Closer to the finish line.
Closer to the goal.
Closer to me
Closer to the rest of my story.
Each and every bite and do (or don't) take...
Each minute I dance, or walk, or move...
or rest, reflect, question, journal, think...
Gets me further along--

Moves me away from my "Before" picture
and nearer to my "After."

It ALL adds up.
Our perspectives,
influence our attitudes
and our attitudes,
influence our actions
and our actions
are what completely affect
our results.

(read that again.....about it ALL adding up.
think about it
consider it
write it down on the first page of your journal.
I'm going to write it on my bathroom mirror
and on an index card on my frig
and on a post-it on my closet door
and on a slip of paper near my debit card in my wallet
Where will YOU put it?)

That's all.
Be Your Best,
Becky

Head's UP! Waaaaaaay Up!

It's TIME.
The time has come
to
blog
again.
So here,
right here,
I declare it:

WATCH THIS SPACE!
I will begin blogging (and VLOGGING!!!) again
on....
as of...
beginning...
MONDAY, May 23rd, 2011.
And I mean it.

I will be blogging TWICE a week
(not quite as often as before).

I'll be here.
How 'bout you?
Will you join me?

Will you join me in losing 15lbs?
(or whatever YOU have to lose...or gain...or find...or discover...or release)
Because that amount...
that weight
those pounds
that mountain....
is what these past six months or so...
of silence
change
moving
laboring
crying
sadness
uncertainty
divorce (there, I said it)
singleness
decision
working (2 jobs!)
thinking
mothering
loving
re-grouping
defending
explaining
struggling
sighing
forgiving
talking
releasing
sadness
acceptance
and
so
much
more....
have added to my frame...
To me.
To who I am.
To the woman,
the mother
the gal,
I am
and want to be.

I am with you
I am in the same boat
I am working things out
I am looking at myself again
I am ready.
Ready to face myself
Ready to ask the tough questions
Ready to tell myself the truth
Ready to do the work
Make the changes
Work
Change
Think
Feel
Try
Make the Effort
Again.
Again and again.

I am ready to put it out there.
Strip it down to the truth.
Face the facts.
Do the Work
To get back.
Back to me
Back to who I want to be.

This is harder,
it's harder this time.
It is so
much harder
this
time.

The first 100 pounds were about
the past 12 years of losing me
and the past three years of
finding me
and figuring out WHY?
Why I had gained the weight
Why I had kept the weight on
Why I had decided to lose it when I did
and
What I was going to do next

Harder now, because I reached the goal,
but have
slipped back,
gained a little of it again,
given up a little
given into hopelessness
given away my confidence
felt failure
felt judgement
felt isolation
felt misunderstood
and
felt like it was no use.

Are you with me?
Have you felt what I feel?
Have you given up?
Have you all BUT, given up?

Then let's do this together!

I am here
writing again
telling the truth
letting you in on my struggle...
writing in the night,
rather than in the day
because it feels just a little safer
just a little less vulnerable
just a little less in "broad daylight"
but I am here, nonetheless
and I am ready
I am oh-so-ready
as of today....tonight, really
To make the changes and begin again.

If you have written to me,
sweet, supportive, encouraging notes...
notes of concern
notes of care
notes with questions and words of friendship....
I will get to YOU in the coming week (or so)
Your words have meant SO much to me.
I have cried
felt bolstered
squared my shoulders, held my head high....
or sunk into a place of peace and comfort...
because you have taken the time to write.
Thank you.
Thank you for the personal notes.
I have felt your friendship
and I'm truly grateful.

So.
Now.
Gather your friends.
Get your notebook. Your gum. Your lipstick.
and let's see what we can do NOW.
Get ready for Monday--
and let's starting DANCING
with all our hearts
with everything we've got....

Because we can!

That's all.
Be your best!
(see you Monday!),

Becky

Shadow Dancing

It is nice to be missed.
It is comforting to receive personal notes,
messages from women who have visited this blog
and noticed I've been missing.
I sigh
and smile
and even tear up a little
when I hear from you.
Thank you.
Yep. I've been gone.

And I'm not back quite yet.
(But I will be...I will)

Without a lot of detail,
without a lot of drama
or hoopla,
I will let you in.

I am still dancing.
Slowly
Quietly

Alone.

I am still taking care of myself,
but my life is a bit sideways right now.
It is hard
and shifting (a lot).

This is not a time for high heels and red lipstick.
It is not a time for Rockstar Jeans and Jamming Tunes.
Not a time for posting inspiration or motivation.
Not a time for offering strength to others,
when I am in such need of it myself.

It is a time for
flats
or slippers
and maybe even just socks
and maybe even bare feet.

It is a time for me to focus on being a mother.
Putting my children first, without putting myself last.

I am walking more than I am dancing.
I am moving through my day
at a different pace
in a different direction than I've ever known before.

Sometimes I am sitting and just trying to listen.
At times, I am simply standing, and hoping to hear something.
Other times I am leaning against whatever I can find to hold me up.

My life
is changing.

YOU, get out and dance for me.
Dance and become.
Be free and change.
Discover who you want to be, and embrace it.

And let me hear from you.
Tell me your stories.
Inspire and motivate...me!

I'll catch up with you soon.
Very soon.

That's all.
Be Your Best!
Becky

One-Sided Conversations

I talk to myself.

A lot.

All Day Long.

Every Day.

And I answer back.

It's not creepy.

It's not insanity.

It's not an issue of mine...

It is my way of focusing.

My way of staying connected.

My way of choosing

and living

and knowing

what I am doing

why I am doing it

and who I am.

I used to ignore myself.

I lost my voice.

I forgot my connection with my self.

I had thoughts,

hopes

wants

needs

and

dreams,

but they lived in my head

or in my heart

or sometimes in a notebook.

But then,

I started saying them aloud

OUT loud.

Putting them in motion.

Setting them free.

Letting them out.

And when I heard myself say them

admit them

confess them

give them life

allow them to leave my head

and my heart,

I realized,

my words

had

power.

My words had power to help me choose

to make me move

to change me

to represent myself

to share myself

To

remind

motivate

encourage

inspire

challenge

and 

correct

ME.

I have conversations with myself when I wake up

When I am getting ready for my day

When I stand in front of an open refrigerator

When I walk into a grocery store

or a fitting room

I ask myself questions,

and I answer.

Do I really want to eat this, or do I want the way I will feel if I choose NOT to eat it?

Do I really want to spend this, or will I feel better if I wait on something else I really want?

Do I really need to let this bother me, or can I let it go and be proud of myself?

Do I really need to let this go, or do I need to face it head on and be heard?

Why am I so restless?

Why did I do that?

What do I want to really say, the next time?

When am I going to get serious about this and conquer it?

What is the most important thing for me to do with this day?

What am I going to do today for myself?

Where do I want to spend my time today?

Why do I keep falling into the same patterns?

How badly do I really want this?

Why am I choosing moment by moment, rather than planning and sticking with my plan?

How do I want to feel when I get into bed tonight, about how I lived this day?

Is this really going to make me happy?

Will I still be happy because of it, in one hour, one day, one week?

or

Will I wish I hadn't? Will I be frustrated with myself? Angry? Depressed? Disappointed?

So many questions.

And,

a few years ago,

I would not have been able to answer them.

A few years ago,

I didn't know myself,

didn't remember myself

didn't invest the time,

to even question....

wasn't even close to knowing myself enough

for the answers.

But now,

today,

I can answer

I can answer all of these questions.

Most of the time,

I am honest with my responses,

most of the time

but there are still times

when I trick myself

or am confused

or answer in a way that shields the truth

or is a lie.

Yep. Sometimes I even lie to myself

(and I know when I'm doing it)

When I find myself going a day or two

in silence,

without the questions

(and therefore, without any answers),

I know I have to start talking again.

Thinking

Feeling

Pausing

Reflecting

and Conversing

with me

again.

My life doesn't seem to work very well,

My time is not my own,

I seem to forget about me and come unraveled

and get irritable

and discouraged

and start eating

and forgetting

and slipping backward....

....when I give myself the silent treatment.

Stop Eating

and

Start Feeding Your Self

Talk to yourself today.

Aloud.

Out Loud.

You really are your very best friend,

once you get to know yourself.

That's all.

Be Your Best,

Becky

Overnight Success

Seriously?
No such thing.
At least not in my experience.

We did not get where we are today
in one day's time.
We have arrived where we are today,
through a series of choices
circumstances
events
relationships
experiences
and
efforts
or
a lack thereof.

There are no overnight successes
and
There are no overnight
failures.

I could stop there.
But that would be so unlike me.

Wherever you are today,
do not be discouraged
do not be too discouraged.

You are changing
You are becoming
You are growing

I am reminded of the leg cramps my son gets when he is in the middle of a growth spurt.

He cries in his sleep
and wakes with pains in his legs.
We wait out the cramps,
until he can drift off and rest again.
The next day, he wants me to measure him.
He wants to know the hurt he felt,
produced something.
He wants to know how much he grew
how he changed
what the discomfort was for.
He wonders if anything happened
if it made a difference
or if he freaked out, hurt and cried
for
nothing.
I can't say that has ever been a measurable change in his height
the morning after the growing pains.
But...
I know he is three inches taller this year,
than he was last year.
So I know (and he knows)
He has grown.

You are growing too.
You can grow.
You can continue to grow
every single day.

And
You can take a break from growing,
whenever you need to
or want to.

Take a look at yourself.
Really look at YOU.
are you growing?
or do you need a break?
Are you stressing about the results you aren't seeing?
Are you giving yourself credit for the aches and pains you are going through in the process?

Give yourself some credit, Woman!
Back off the self-criticism.
Release the loathing and disappointment you tighten your heart around when you are so hard on yourself.
Take a look at yourself
and enjoy who you are
and where you are.
Breathe in deep
and give yourself
a moment to feel pleased with yourself.

And if you are close to giving up,
if you are standing still
if you are feeling stuck
if failure and hopelessness are whispering in your ear,
remember...
remember Who You Want to Be
and give yourself a pep-talk
or a kick in the _ _ _  (substitute your word here).
give yourself a do-over

and

QUIT:
blaming others
making excuses
forgetting yourself
teaching others to devalue you
thinking it can't be done
eating without hunger
stopping too soon
claiming you are working harder than you are
schlumping around looking half-dead
ignoring your needs
settling for blah rather than LIFE.

and get a good night of sleep tonight
you might be lucky enough to dream of shin splints
just to let you know
there really are changes happening in you
under your skin
in your heart
on your body.
Slowly, but surely, you are changing.

You are a success.

It just doesn't happen all at one time.

That's all.
Be Your Best,
Becky

Beginning Again

The big news around here,
is that I have
LOST
TEN....
(count them with me----10!)


days.

Not pounds.
Days.

It is January 11th.
I have lost the first ten days of 2011
and I have no idea where there are
where they went
or how I really spent them.

Well, I know how I spend them
I was holiday-ing
Family-timing
playing
thinking
celebrating
and
waiting
and waiting

and

waiting.

I have been waiting for my life to go back to Normal
for the children to be back in school
(they went for four days last week & have been out for two snow days this week)
for my days to become mine again
for my house to be empty and silent
for chunks of time to be free
for bedtimes to be routine
for mornings to be orderly
for my Mondays through Fridays to be on a school clock

But it just hasn't happened so far

and I am going crazy
I am frustrated
and irritated
and coming out of my skin
and know that I must
do
something

Something about it...

Today.
Now.
THIS very moment.

I have to
Begin

in the middle of waiting
I must begin what I need to do
for ME
even while I am waiting
and attending to
and fitting in
and delaying
and feeling lost in the details

Today,
I begin writing again
I begin dancing for me again
I begin closing my door
setting boundaries
making myself take time for
my self
and setting in place, the boundaries and safeties I had in place
before.

I begin again
today,
10 days IN
to 2011

I
Will
Not
wait until the end of the day
I will not
wait until
11 days
or 31 days
or 2 months
have passed on the calendar.

Because I KNOW that I can do something today.
I KNOW there is some change I can make
some effort I can muster
some moment
some adjustment
some decision
some conscious choice
some point
in my day
in my actions
in my eating
in my activity
in my schedule
in my relationships
in my conversations
in my moments of solitude
in my morning
or my afternoon
or my evening
or my night
which will represent a beginning
a turning
a returning
a pursuing
a defining
of ME
which I have been neglecting
or avoiding
or settling for
or allowing
or forgetting
or denying
or fearing

in this state of being me.


I begin today

I will write
I will blog
I will Tweet
I will rest
I will dance
I will feed myself on the moments
I will feed myself on my music
I will feed myself on the affection of my children
the snow in my yard
the pretty nail polish I got for Christmas
the fun earrings I was putting off wearing for a special event
the Rasinets I was stashing for the next movie I'd see

Today I am beginning again
Going back to the things I wrote about for five months HERE.
I am going back to my very first post
and beginning again
I am signing up for the Dance Party, all over again.
Going back to the beginning and
beginning
again.

So,
here is my plan
I will re-read, as I blog
I will remind myself of what I said back in August
and do all the things I need and want to do in my journal.
I will add new posts
I will make adjustments
I will think again, feel again, share again
in my high heels and red lipstick

Because it's not like I (or we)
ever get to a place, where we have truly
arrived
become
accomplished
determined
finished
or
become
completely
COMPLETED.

Ever.
Each day means there is more
more to see, do,
experience and become.

And today is not the Last Day
for me....
Today is the First Day
Today I begin again.
Today is MY First Day of 2011
I don't really care about the date on the calendar

It is my day to begin.

And I just did.

I am welcoming myself back.
I am here again.


Welcome Back, Everybody.
Let's get this party started (again!)
Let's Begin Again!


That's all
Be Your Best,
Becky