Monday, May 23, 2011

A Matter of Perspective

I've been paying bills.
I've been working 2 jobs.
Not great jobs.
Not perfect, "I've Always Wanted to do This" jobs.
Not even jobs that pay me well.
But I have been working.
And paying bills.
On time.

And it feels....
It feels
It feels satisfying.
I feel satisfied when I pay my bills.

Satisfied I CAN pay my bills.
Satisfied, that my work
my little, dinky jobs
pay me money,
and that, in turn, I can pay a bill or two.

Without those jobs...
Life would be different.
I know there are those of you out there,
reading this
who are needing work
or the person you are married to, is needing work.
I know there are some of you who struggle with paying your bills.
I get that.
I know that.
I am there sometimes too.

But here is what I am realizing today,
those bills,
those papers that crowd my mailbox,
with all the dates and numbers and dollar $igns,
for simple things like
electricity, water, cell phone minutes and cable TV,
Can be viewed in at least two different ways:

1) I can see them and think, "I hate paying bills. I hate that these simple things cost me so much. WHY do I have to pay so much here, when I want to spend my money THERE? Ugh! Bills! Bills are horrible! Bills make me miserable. Bills keep me from getting to do what I really wish I could do!"

And quite honestly, this is a totally understandable to way to feel about/look at bills. But there is another way to look at them too. This is the way I look at bills now (or at least this evening, as I was setting up payments on line and writing checks...):

2) I am so glad, I can even pay this bill. I am proud of myself for the work I put in, to make the money, so I can talk on my cell phone and text my friends. I LOVE that I was able to watch the Royal Wedding, and the finales of my top shows because I had cable last month. The day I turned on the AC this month put me in such a great mood, because it meant summer is on the way! It's great to have money to pay my bills. Great to even have a job!"

I know
I know
I know....
it all sounds a little goofy.
a little too happy, perky, peppy, over-the-top.
there is something to be said about trying a new perspective.

I get it:
Some bills are just too expensive.
Some fees are stupid, and outrageous and annoying
and unfair.
I'm working on my attitude with those bills.

The bills for things I've bought during the month,
the stuff I loaded in my cart, that I could have left on the shelf...
those bills....fill me with questions, little regrets and guilt.
Those bills, I need to really study
press myself to understand
and stop adding to their bottom line.

(You see where I'm going with this, don't you?
You know what point I'm about to make, right?
You can guess what's next, can't you?)

Paying Bills=Losing Weight

You can look at losing weight,
changing your life
working on yourself
making adjustments,
cutting back
working out
pushing away from the table
putting down the fork
leaving the sweets on the shelf at the store
Feeding Yourself, rather than eating...
in many different ways,
but TWO specifically, which will make a huge difference
(I believe)
in your success...
your long-term,

Perspective 1:
Is this journey about loss?
Feeling stressed and struggling?
Bending your will?
Fighting to beat something?
Dreading the changes?
Focusing on sacrifice?
Putting yourself down?
Doing without what you want?
Missing out on what you love?


Perspective 2:
This journey is about discovery, regaining, becoming
This is about choices
Choosing who I want to be
and how I am going to get there.
This is about picking myself up.
Looking at where I have been and where I am going.
Deciding what is best for me.
Wanting what is good for me.
Living in a way that adds to my life
and the meaning of my life.
I am in the middle of learning what I really want.
I am, with each decision.....closer
Closer to the finish line.
Closer to the goal.
Closer to me
Closer to the rest of my story.
Each and every bite and do (or don't) take...
Each minute I dance, or walk, or move...
or rest, reflect, question, journal, think...
Gets me further along--

Moves me away from my "Before" picture
and nearer to my "After."

It ALL adds up.
Our perspectives,
influence our attitudes
and our attitudes,
influence our actions
and our actions
are what completely affect
our results.

(read that again.....about it ALL adding up.
think about it
consider it
write it down on the first page of your journal.
I'm going to write it on my bathroom mirror
and on an index card on my frig
and on a post-it on my closet door
and on a slip of paper near my debit card in my wallet
Where will YOU put it?)

That's all.
Be Your Best,

Friday, May 20, 2011

Head's UP! Waaaaaaay Up!

It's TIME.
The time has come
So here,
right here,
I declare it:

I will begin blogging (and VLOGGING!!!) again
as of...
MONDAY, May 23rd, 2011.
And I mean it.

I will be blogging TWICE a week
(not quite as often as before).

I'll be here.
How 'bout you?
Will you join me?

Will you join me in losing 15lbs?
(or whatever YOU have to lose...or gain...or find...or discover...or release)
Because that amount...
that weight
those pounds
that mountain....
is what these past six months or so...
of silence
divorce (there, I said it)
working (2 jobs!)
have added to my frame...
To me.
To who I am.
To the woman,
the mother
the gal,
I am
and want to be.

I am with you
I am in the same boat
I am working things out
I am looking at myself again
I am ready.
Ready to face myself
Ready to ask the tough questions
Ready to tell myself the truth
Ready to do the work
Make the changes
Make the Effort
Again and again.

I am ready to put it out there.
Strip it down to the truth.
Face the facts.
Do the Work
To get back.
Back to me
Back to who I want to be.

This is harder,
it's harder this time.
It is so
much harder

The first 100 pounds were about
the past 12 years of losing me
and the past three years of
finding me
and figuring out WHY?
Why I had gained the weight
Why I had kept the weight on
Why I had decided to lose it when I did
What I was going to do next

Harder now, because I reached the goal,
but have
slipped back,
gained a little of it again,
given up a little
given into hopelessness
given away my confidence
felt failure
felt judgement
felt isolation
felt misunderstood
felt like it was no use.

Are you with me?
Have you felt what I feel?
Have you given up?
Have you all BUT, given up?

Then let's do this together!

I am here
writing again
telling the truth
letting you in on my struggle...
writing in the night,
rather than in the day
because it feels just a little safer
just a little less vulnerable
just a little less in "broad daylight"
but I am here, nonetheless
and I am ready
I am oh-so-ready
as of today....tonight, really
To make the changes and begin again.

If you have written to me,
sweet, supportive, encouraging notes...
notes of concern
notes of care
notes with questions and words of friendship....
I will get to YOU in the coming week (or so)
Your words have meant SO much to me.
I have cried
felt bolstered
squared my shoulders, held my head high....
or sunk into a place of peace and comfort...
because you have taken the time to write.
Thank you.
Thank you for the personal notes.
I have felt your friendship
and I'm truly grateful.

Gather your friends.
Get your notebook. Your gum. Your lipstick.
and let's see what we can do NOW.
Get ready for Monday--
and let's starting DANCING
with all our hearts
with everything we've got....

Because we can!

That's all.
Be your best!
(see you Monday!),