I was interviewed for a book a few weeks ago.
Asked some questions about my story,
My past
My present
and
My future.
Some of the questions were familiar.
I'm asked them each time I share about the 100 pounds...
How did you do it?
and
How long did it take?
But then,
I was asked another question.
Asked in a way I hadn't been asked before.
I was asked,
What was your lowest point?
I think I answered with my own question...
What do you mean, lowest point?
Same question, re-worded for clarification:
When did you hit rock bottom?
That was a new one.
When did I hit rock bottom?
I don't know if I paused in the conversation.
Not sure if I really even hesitated with my response.
I guess, most people have a "rock bottom moment."
A moment when they've had enough,
"The straw that breaks the camel's back" kind of moment,
or as Oprah says, "an Ah-ha moment."
(Oh my! Am I actually quoting Oprah in my blog???)
I didn't have that kind of moment.
Yes, I remember walking past windows in stores,
catching my reflection and not realizing I was the
big, big woman staring back.
Yes, I remember looking in the mirror at my bathroom sink
and thinking I was starting to look like an entirely different woman
than I remembered being.
Yes, there were times when I cried and groaned
and dreaded taking a shower
because I knew I'd have to stare at myself
to put on my makeup
and do my hair
and that, though I was trying my best to look good,
I didn't feel inside like it even mattered.
Yes.
I had those moments.
Plenty of them.
BUT...
(this may sound confusing)
even though
I had plenty of those moments,
I still had hope for myself.
Hope.
Deep HOPE for myself and my future.
So,
when I was asked about rock bottom,
lowest moments,
I answered,
I didn't really ever hit rock bottom.
I don't think I had a lowest moment.
Because
I always had hope.
In fact, I knew
I could
and would...
Change.
One day.
At some point.
I just knew it.
So,
when I actually picked the date to begin,
August 13, 2008
I picked it from a place of hope.
I picked it months before.
I chose the date my new life,
the new me,
would begin
with great hope
from a place of hope
establishing my hope on that date.
I chose my 39th birthday.
Not because I was terrified of turning 40
Not because I was trying to find the Fountain of Youth
Not because I was depressed about aging.
I chose my 39th birthday,
because I had great hopes for myself.
I knew it was my time to devote to myself.
I chose to dig into the hope I had for myself...
hope for my future
hope in the possibilities
hope about my strengths and purpose and destiny
and the life I still had ahead of me.
You see,
To me,
hope is not wishing
hope is not a shot in the dark
hope is not a casual thing
For me, hope is not a
feeble
weak
shoulder-shrugging
take-it-or-leave-it option.
I'm not talking about the "Well, I hope so" kind of thinking
or the "Hope I make it" kind
(to me, these are hopeless, doubtful, skeptical statements).
Hope is, to me (and for me)
a confidence
an assuredness
a beacon
a support to everything else
a stamina-producing
stick-with-it determination
immovable confession
declared mission statement.
My hope
for myself
was that,
I was capable of anything.
And that there was still an entire life ahead of me
and I wanted to get back into it
and do so with strength, vitality, love and energy.
I never lost hope for myself.
I never lost hope in my future.
In my belief about me
my belief IN me.
(not in some raging ego-maniac way)
But I just knew I could do this.
I could change
I could alter where I was...
alter where I was stuck
alter my thoughts about myself
alter my mind
my heart
my emotions
my body
my everything.
I just knew I could do it.
And it wasn't because I had great will power
or strength
or a desperate need
or a great personal trainer
or some other thing I wanted to gain....
It was because I had hope.
I never gave up on myself.
My self.
I never gave up my hope
that I was created to live
and to be alive
and to experience my life with joy
and love
and vitality
and
hope.
And
(this might be the key to it all)
I deeply believed,
I was designed
to
be
loved.
I was designed to love
and be loved.
And that it started with knowing I was
designed
and
created
and
loved
by
Him.
And that
He
designed
and
created
me
to
love what He had made.
And HE had made
Me,
To love
my self
as He loves me.
I have hope for myself
because I love my self
I love me
and I make no apologies for that.
I do
love myself...
I love myself enough
to hope for my future
believe in my strengths
trust in my capabilities
make the absolute most of
my year
my day
my relationships
my life
and
Me.
I love myself enough to make the most of Me.
And
I have hope for you
too.
I KNOW you can do this.
I know you can
alter, re-invent, jump-start, change, become, return, discover, connect, forgive, release, recover, stop, begin, do-over, accept, uncover, tell the truth about, speak out, redeem, branch-out, dream, accomplish, survive, uproot, conquer, determine, hit head-on, tackle and overcome...
anything.
Anything.
Anything at all.
You really can.
That's all.
Be your best,
Becky
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