Monday, August 8, 2011

Hope Springs...Eternal

I was interviewed for a book a few weeks ago.
Asked some questions about my story,
My past
My present
My future.

Some of the questions were familiar.
I'm asked them each time I share about the 100 pounds...
How did you do it?
How long did it take?

But then,
I was asked another question.
Asked in a way I hadn't been asked before.
I was asked,
What was your lowest point?
I think I answered with my own question...
What do you mean, lowest point?
Same question, re-worded for clarification:
When did you hit rock bottom?

That was a new one.
When did I hit rock bottom?

I don't know if I paused in the conversation.
Not sure if I really even hesitated with my response.
I guess, most people have a "rock bottom moment."
A moment when they've had enough,
"The straw that breaks the camel's back" kind of moment,
or as Oprah says, "an Ah-ha moment."
(Oh my! Am I actually quoting Oprah in my blog???)

I didn't have that kind of moment.

Yes, I remember walking past windows in stores,
catching my reflection and not realizing I was the
big, big woman staring back.
Yes, I remember looking in the mirror at my bathroom sink
and thinking I was starting to look like an entirely different woman
than I remembered being.
Yes, there were times when I cried and groaned
and dreaded taking a shower
because I knew I'd have to stare at myself
to put on my makeup
and do my hair
and that, though I was trying my best to look good,
I didn't feel inside like it even mattered.

I had those moments.
Plenty of them.
(this may sound confusing)
even though
I had plenty of those moments,
I still had hope for myself.

Deep HOPE for myself and my future.

when I was asked about rock bottom,
lowest moments,
I answered,

I didn't really ever hit rock bottom.
I don't think I had a lowest moment.

I always had hope.

In fact, I knew 
I could
and would...


One day.

At some point.

I just knew it.

when I actually picked the date to begin,
August 13, 2008
I picked it from a place of hope.
I picked it months before.
I chose the date my new life,
the new me,
would begin
with great hope
from a place of hope
establishing my hope on that date.

I chose my 39th birthday.
Not because I was terrified of turning 40
Not because I was trying to find the Fountain of Youth
Not because I was depressed about aging.
I chose my 39th birthday,
because I had great hopes for myself.
I knew it was my time to devote to myself.

I chose to dig into the hope I had for myself...
hope for my future
hope in the possibilities
hope about my strengths and purpose and destiny
and the life I still had ahead of me.

You see,
To me,
hope is not wishing
hope is not a shot in the dark
hope is not a casual thing
For me, hope is not a
take-it-or-leave-it option.
I'm not talking about the "Well, I hope so" kind of thinking
or the "Hope I make it" kind
(to me, these are hopeless, doubtful, skeptical statements).

Hope is, to me (and for me)
a confidence
an assuredness
a beacon
a support to everything else
a stamina-producing
stick-with-it determination
immovable confession
declared mission statement.

My hope
for myself
was that,
I was capable of anything.
And that there was still an entire life ahead of me
and I wanted to get back into it
and do so with strength, vitality, love and energy.

I never lost hope for myself.
I never lost hope in my future.
In my belief about me
my belief IN me.
(not in some raging ego-maniac way)
But I just knew I could do this.
I could change
I could alter where I was...
alter where I was stuck
alter my thoughts about myself
alter my mind
my heart
my emotions
my body
my everything.

I just knew I could do it.
And it wasn't because I had great will power
or strength
or a desperate need
or a great personal trainer
or some other thing I wanted to gain....
It was because I had hope.

I never gave up on myself.
My self.
I never gave up my hope
that I was created to live
and to be alive
and to experience my life with joy
and love
and vitality

(this might be the key to it all)
I deeply believed,
I was designed

I was designed to love
and be loved.

And that it started with knowing I was

And that
love what He had made.
And HE had made
To love
my self
as He loves me.

I have hope for myself
because I love my self
I love me
and I make no apologies for that.

I do
love myself...
I love myself enough
to hope for my future
believe in my strengths
trust in my capabilities
make the absolute most of
my year
my day
my relationships
my life
I love myself enough to make the most of Me.

I have hope for you

I KNOW you can do this.
I know you can
alter, re-invent, jump-start, change, become, return, discover, connect, forgive, release, recover, stop, begin, do-over, accept, uncover, tell the truth about, speak out, redeem, branch-out, dream, accomplish, survive, uproot, conquer, determine, hit head-on, tackle and overcome...

Anything at all.

You really can.

That's all.
Be your best,

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