One-Sided Conversations

I talk to myself.

A lot.

All Day Long.

Every Day.

And I answer back.

It's not creepy.

It's not insanity.

It's not an issue of mine...

It is my way of focusing.

My way of staying connected.

My way of choosing

and living

and knowing

what I am doing

why I am doing it

and who I am.

I used to ignore myself.

I lost my voice.

I forgot my connection with my self.

I had thoughts,

hopes

wants

needs

and

dreams,

but they lived in my head

or in my heart

or sometimes in a notebook.

But then,

I started saying them aloud

OUT loud.

Putting them in motion.

Setting them free.

Letting them out.

And when I heard myself say them

admit them

confess them

give them life

allow them to leave my head

and my heart,

I realized,

my words

had

power.

My words had power to help me choose

to make me move

to change me

to represent myself

to share myself

To

remind

motivate

encourage

inspire

challenge

and 

correct

ME.

I have conversations with myself when I wake up

When I am getting ready for my day

When I stand in front of an open refrigerator

When I walk into a grocery store

or a fitting room

I ask myself questions,

and I answer.

Do I really want to eat this, or do I want the way I will feel if I choose NOT to eat it?

Do I really want to spend this, or will I feel better if I wait on something else I really want?

Do I really need to let this bother me, or can I let it go and be proud of myself?

Do I really need to let this go, or do I need to face it head on and be heard?

Why am I so restless?

Why did I do that?

What do I want to really say, the next time?

When am I going to get serious about this and conquer it?

What is the most important thing for me to do with this day?

What am I going to do today for myself?

Where do I want to spend my time today?

Why do I keep falling into the same patterns?

How badly do I really want this?

Why am I choosing moment by moment, rather than planning and sticking with my plan?

How do I want to feel when I get into bed tonight, about how I lived this day?

Is this really going to make me happy?

Will I still be happy because of it, in one hour, one day, one week?

or

Will I wish I hadn't? Will I be frustrated with myself? Angry? Depressed? Disappointed?

So many questions.

And,

a few years ago,

I would not have been able to answer them.

A few years ago,

I didn't know myself,

didn't remember myself

didn't invest the time,

to even question....

wasn't even close to knowing myself enough

for the answers.

But now,

today,

I can answer

I can answer all of these questions.

Most of the time,

I am honest with my responses,

most of the time

but there are still times

when I trick myself

or am confused

or answer in a way that shields the truth

or is a lie.

Yep. Sometimes I even lie to myself

(and I know when I'm doing it)

When I find myself going a day or two

in silence,

without the questions

(and therefore, without any answers),

I know I have to start talking again.

Thinking

Feeling

Pausing

Reflecting

and Conversing

with me

again.

My life doesn't seem to work very well,

My time is not my own,

I seem to forget about me and come unraveled

and get irritable

and discouraged

and start eating

and forgetting

and slipping backward....

....when I give myself the silent treatment.

Stop Eating

and

Start Feeding Your Self

Talk to yourself today.

Aloud.

Out Loud.

You really are your very best friend,

once you get to know yourself.

That's all.

Be Your Best,

Becky

Overnight Success

Seriously?
No such thing.
At least not in my experience.

We did not get where we are today
in one day's time.
We have arrived where we are today,
through a series of choices
circumstances
events
relationships
experiences
and
efforts
or
a lack thereof.

There are no overnight successes
and
There are no overnight
failures.

I could stop there.
But that would be so unlike me.

Wherever you are today,
do not be discouraged
do not be too discouraged.

You are changing
You are becoming
You are growing

I am reminded of the leg cramps my son gets when he is in the middle of a growth spurt.

He cries in his sleep
and wakes with pains in his legs.
We wait out the cramps,
until he can drift off and rest again.
The next day, he wants me to measure him.
He wants to know the hurt he felt,
produced something.
He wants to know how much he grew
how he changed
what the discomfort was for.
He wonders if anything happened
if it made a difference
or if he freaked out, hurt and cried
for
nothing.
I can't say that has ever been a measurable change in his height
the morning after the growing pains.
But...
I know he is three inches taller this year,
than he was last year.
So I know (and he knows)
He has grown.

You are growing too.
You can grow.
You can continue to grow
every single day.

And
You can take a break from growing,
whenever you need to
or want to.

Take a look at yourself.
Really look at YOU.
are you growing?
or do you need a break?
Are you stressing about the results you aren't seeing?
Are you giving yourself credit for the aches and pains you are going through in the process?

Give yourself some credit, Woman!
Back off the self-criticism.
Release the loathing and disappointment you tighten your heart around when you are so hard on yourself.
Take a look at yourself
and enjoy who you are
and where you are.
Breathe in deep
and give yourself
a moment to feel pleased with yourself.

And if you are close to giving up,
if you are standing still
if you are feeling stuck
if failure and hopelessness are whispering in your ear,
remember...
remember Who You Want to Be
and give yourself a pep-talk
or a kick in the _ _ _  (substitute your word here).
give yourself a do-over

and

QUIT:
blaming others
making excuses
forgetting yourself
teaching others to devalue you
thinking it can't be done
eating without hunger
stopping too soon
claiming you are working harder than you are
schlumping around looking half-dead
ignoring your needs
settling for blah rather than LIFE.

and get a good night of sleep tonight
you might be lucky enough to dream of shin splints
just to let you know
there really are changes happening in you
under your skin
in your heart
on your body.
Slowly, but surely, you are changing.

You are a success.

It just doesn't happen all at one time.

That's all.
Be Your Best,
Becky

Beginning Again

The big news around here,
is that I have
LOST
TEN....
(count them with me----10!)


days.

Not pounds.
Days.

It is January 11th.
I have lost the first ten days of 2011
and I have no idea where there are
where they went
or how I really spent them.

Well, I know how I spend them
I was holiday-ing
Family-timing
playing
thinking
celebrating
and
waiting
and waiting

and

waiting.

I have been waiting for my life to go back to Normal
for the children to be back in school
(they went for four days last week & have been out for two snow days this week)
for my days to become mine again
for my house to be empty and silent
for chunks of time to be free
for bedtimes to be routine
for mornings to be orderly
for my Mondays through Fridays to be on a school clock

But it just hasn't happened so far

and I am going crazy
I am frustrated
and irritated
and coming out of my skin
and know that I must
do
something

Something about it...

Today.
Now.
THIS very moment.

I have to
Begin

in the middle of waiting
I must begin what I need to do
for ME
even while I am waiting
and attending to
and fitting in
and delaying
and feeling lost in the details

Today,
I begin writing again
I begin dancing for me again
I begin closing my door
setting boundaries
making myself take time for
my self
and setting in place, the boundaries and safeties I had in place
before.

I begin again
today,
10 days IN
to 2011

I
Will
Not
wait until the end of the day
I will not
wait until
11 days
or 31 days
or 2 months
have passed on the calendar.

Because I KNOW that I can do something today.
I KNOW there is some change I can make
some effort I can muster
some moment
some adjustment
some decision
some conscious choice
some point
in my day
in my actions
in my eating
in my activity
in my schedule
in my relationships
in my conversations
in my moments of solitude
in my morning
or my afternoon
or my evening
or my night
which will represent a beginning
a turning
a returning
a pursuing
a defining
of ME
which I have been neglecting
or avoiding
or settling for
or allowing
or forgetting
or denying
or fearing

in this state of being me.


I begin today

I will write
I will blog
I will Tweet
I will rest
I will dance
I will feed myself on the moments
I will feed myself on my music
I will feed myself on the affection of my children
the snow in my yard
the pretty nail polish I got for Christmas
the fun earrings I was putting off wearing for a special event
the Rasinets I was stashing for the next movie I'd see

Today I am beginning again
Going back to the things I wrote about for five months HERE.
I am going back to my very first post
and beginning again
I am signing up for the Dance Party, all over again.
Going back to the beginning and
beginning
again.

So,
here is my plan
I will re-read, as I blog
I will remind myself of what I said back in August
and do all the things I need and want to do in my journal.
I will add new posts
I will make adjustments
I will think again, feel again, share again
in my high heels and red lipstick

Because it's not like I (or we)
ever get to a place, where we have truly
arrived
become
accomplished
determined
finished
or
become
completely
COMPLETED.

Ever.
Each day means there is more
more to see, do,
experience and become.

And today is not the Last Day
for me....
Today is the First Day
Today I begin again.
Today is MY First Day of 2011
I don't really care about the date on the calendar

It is my day to begin.

And I just did.

I am welcoming myself back.
I am here again.


Welcome Back, Everybody.
Let's get this party started (again!)
Let's Begin Again!


That's all
Be Your Best,
Becky