One-Sided Conversations

I talk to myself.

A lot.

All Day Long.

Every Day.

And I answer back.

It's not creepy.

It's not insanity.

It's not an issue of mine...

It is my way of focusing.

My way of staying connected.

My way of choosing

and living

and knowing

what I am doing

why I am doing it

and who I am.

I used to ignore myself.

I lost my voice.

I forgot my connection with my self.

I had thoughts,

hopes

wants

needs

and

dreams,

but they lived in my head

or in my heart

or sometimes in a notebook.

But then,

I started saying them aloud

OUT loud.

Putting them in motion.

Setting them free.

Letting them out.

And when I heard myself say them

admit them

confess them

give them life

allow them to leave my head

and my heart,

I realized,

my words

had

power.

My words had power to help me choose

to make me move

to change me

to represent myself

to share myself

To

remind

motivate

encourage

inspire

challenge

and 

correct

ME.

I have conversations with myself when I wake up

When I am getting ready for my day

When I stand in front of an open refrigerator

When I walk into a grocery store

or a fitting room

I ask myself questions,

and I answer.

Do I really want to eat this, or do I want the way I will feel if I choose NOT to eat it?

Do I really want to spend this, or will I feel better if I wait on something else I really want?

Do I really need to let this bother me, or can I let it go and be proud of myself?

Do I really need to let this go, or do I need to face it head on and be heard?

Why am I so restless?

Why did I do that?

What do I want to really say, the next time?

When am I going to get serious about this and conquer it?

What is the most important thing for me to do with this day?

What am I going to do today for myself?

Where do I want to spend my time today?

Why do I keep falling into the same patterns?

How badly do I really want this?

Why am I choosing moment by moment, rather than planning and sticking with my plan?

How do I want to feel when I get into bed tonight, about how I lived this day?

Is this really going to make me happy?

Will I still be happy because of it, in one hour, one day, one week?

or

Will I wish I hadn't? Will I be frustrated with myself? Angry? Depressed? Disappointed?

So many questions.

And,

a few years ago,

I would not have been able to answer them.

A few years ago,

I didn't know myself,

didn't remember myself

didn't invest the time,

to even question....

wasn't even close to knowing myself enough

for the answers.

But now,

today,

I can answer

I can answer all of these questions.

Most of the time,

I am honest with my responses,

most of the time

but there are still times

when I trick myself

or am confused

or answer in a way that shields the truth

or is a lie.

Yep. Sometimes I even lie to myself

(and I know when I'm doing it)

When I find myself going a day or two

in silence,

without the questions

(and therefore, without any answers),

I know I have to start talking again.

Thinking

Feeling

Pausing

Reflecting

and Conversing

with me

again.

My life doesn't seem to work very well,

My time is not my own,

I seem to forget about me and come unraveled

and get irritable

and discouraged

and start eating

and forgetting

and slipping backward....

....when I give myself the silent treatment.

Stop Eating

and

Start Feeding Your Self

Talk to yourself today.

Aloud.

Out Loud.

You really are your very best friend,

once you get to know yourself.

That's all.

Be Your Best,

Becky