Beginning Again

The big news around here,
is that I have
LOST
TEN....
(count them with me----10!)


days.

Not pounds.
Days.

It is January 11th.
I have lost the first ten days of 2011
and I have no idea where there are
where they went
or how I really spent them.

Well, I know how I spend them
I was holiday-ing
Family-timing
playing
thinking
celebrating
and
waiting
and waiting

and

waiting.

I have been waiting for my life to go back to Normal
for the children to be back in school
(they went for four days last week & have been out for two snow days this week)
for my days to become mine again
for my house to be empty and silent
for chunks of time to be free
for bedtimes to be routine
for mornings to be orderly
for my Mondays through Fridays to be on a school clock

But it just hasn't happened so far

and I am going crazy
I am frustrated
and irritated
and coming out of my skin
and know that I must
do
something

Something about it...

Today.
Now.
THIS very moment.

I have to
Begin

in the middle of waiting
I must begin what I need to do
for ME
even while I am waiting
and attending to
and fitting in
and delaying
and feeling lost in the details

Today,
I begin writing again
I begin dancing for me again
I begin closing my door
setting boundaries
making myself take time for
my self
and setting in place, the boundaries and safeties I had in place
before.

I begin again
today,
10 days IN
to 2011

I
Will
Not
wait until the end of the day
I will not
wait until
11 days
or 31 days
or 2 months
have passed on the calendar.

Because I KNOW that I can do something today.
I KNOW there is some change I can make
some effort I can muster
some moment
some adjustment
some decision
some conscious choice
some point
in my day
in my actions
in my eating
in my activity
in my schedule
in my relationships
in my conversations
in my moments of solitude
in my morning
or my afternoon
or my evening
or my night
which will represent a beginning
a turning
a returning
a pursuing
a defining
of ME
which I have been neglecting
or avoiding
or settling for
or allowing
or forgetting
or denying
or fearing

in this state of being me.


I begin today

I will write
I will blog
I will Tweet
I will rest
I will dance
I will feed myself on the moments
I will feed myself on my music
I will feed myself on the affection of my children
the snow in my yard
the pretty nail polish I got for Christmas
the fun earrings I was putting off wearing for a special event
the Rasinets I was stashing for the next movie I'd see

Today I am beginning again
Going back to the things I wrote about for five months HERE.
I am going back to my very first post
and beginning again
I am signing up for the Dance Party, all over again.
Going back to the beginning and
beginning
again.

So,
here is my plan
I will re-read, as I blog
I will remind myself of what I said back in August
and do all the things I need and want to do in my journal.
I will add new posts
I will make adjustments
I will think again, feel again, share again
in my high heels and red lipstick

Because it's not like I (or we)
ever get to a place, where we have truly
arrived
become
accomplished
determined
finished
or
become
completely
COMPLETED.

Ever.
Each day means there is more
more to see, do,
experience and become.

And today is not the Last Day
for me....
Today is the First Day
Today I begin again.
Today is MY First Day of 2011
I don't really care about the date on the calendar

It is my day to begin.

And I just did.

I am welcoming myself back.
I am here again.


Welcome Back, Everybody.
Let's get this party started (again!)
Let's Begin Again!


That's all
Be Your Best,
Becky