Numbers Don't Lie

Some people are good with faces
Others are good at remembering important dates.
I am good with numbers.
Well, not numbers, really...
Weights.
I am good with weights.
Not the circus or carnival,
"I can guess your weight for a dollar"
kind of good with weights
but the
"I know my weight at any given occasion of my life"
kind of good with weights

Maybe that's just because my weight
was a huge part of my life
for a big chunk of my life

I have talked to thin people, friends, other women,
who have never struggled with their weight,
to whom this is a foreign concept.
They don't remember their weights like I do...

I can tell you
what I weighed in eighth grade
and
the day I graduated from high school

I can tell you
what I weighed when I went home for fall break my Freshman year of college
and
what I weighed when I fell in love for the first time my Sophomore year

I can tell you
what I weighed during my (first) Senior year
what I weighed after a bad break-up later that year
and
what I weighed when I got my diploma (after my second Senior year)

I can tell you what I weighed the day my mother was diagnosed with cancer
and
what I weighed after taking care of her for a year

What I weighed when I met Michael
What I weighed when I married Michael

And what I weighed
when I went to pick out a suit
for
my mother's funeral

I can tell you what I weighed when I got pregnant the first time
and gave birth the first time
I can tell you what I weighed the second and third times I got pregnant
I can remember MY weight just before each of THOSE births,
faster than I can tell you how LONG each of my babies were at THEIR births

I can tell you what I weighed after my darkest, most depressed year.

I can tell you what I weighed when I hit rock bottom and
KNEW
it
had
to STOP

I remember what I weighed
the day
It
STOPPED

The day
I took charge of ME again
and STOPPED letting the scale
measure my value

The day I STOPPED
allowing the scale to
alert me to
HOW I WAS DOING
on the inside.

Because, that is what I had been doing

I was letting the scale,
DIMINISH my value.
Because I had allowed the scale
to be the
MARKER
the
INDICATOR of my INNER SELF.
Yes,
I knew I had OTHER value.
I knew I was loved
I knew I was fun, and interesting
and creative and genuine and real
and loving and giving and kind
and entertaining and significant,

BUT,
On some level,
as I ALLOWED pounds to be added to my frame,
and the numbers on the scale got bigger---
I grew smaller....on the inside.
I FELT smaller on the inside.
I FELT like less of all the things I just listed above,
that I KNEW about myself....
because I started just knowing the
NUMBER.
I started REMEMBERING
THAT NUMBER
every time I looked in the mirror.

When I decided I wanted to get ME back again,
I took a look at the numbers, again.
I pulled out the List of Weights I could remember,
and made those Weights, my goals.

I wanted to lose 80 pounds
But that number was a pie-in-the-sky-fantasy
I remember the first time I told someone I was going to lose 80 pounds between my 39th and 40th birthdays.
I was walking to the pool with my brother early in the summer.
I simply spoke it,
I am going to lose weight this year. I am going to do it.
How much do you want to lose?
80 pounds.
I didn't believe my own words the moment I spoke them.
I didn't believe my words, but I KNEW I would do it.

So, I took out my mental List of Weights
and went to work on getting BACK to the first, highest weight I could remember.
My weight when I got pregnant with my twins.
When I reached THAT weight,
I went to work on getting back to the weight I was when I gave birth to my second child
When I reached THAT weight, I went to work on getting back to the weight I was when I got pregnant with my first child, my son.

Each time I GOT BACK to a PREVIOUS weight,
I found I had GAINED back
a part of me.
Emotionally
Spiritually
AND
Physically

The most impacting number I reached....
The first time I got on my scale and cried
and cried
and sat on the floor and sobbed...
was when
I reached the weight
I had
carried
and
worn
to
my mother's funeral.

The morning I got on the scale,
the moment
I saw that number--
again, after 11 years...
the number that had once represented
the deepest loss
hardest experience
loneliest, darkest, saddest season in my life,
---that moment in my journey BACK to me,
seeing that number,
that weight again
was the most meaningful of all moments
in my 18-month
Pursuit of Myself.

I couldn't believe I had done it.
I had really done it.

38lbs.
I had lost 38 pounds,
but had gained ME, again.
Alive.
Living.
Being.
Believing in myself again.
Desiring to be MORE again.
Hopeful and invigorated
Caring and Loving
Me, again.

There have been other,
sit-on-the-floor-by-the-scale
letting-it-sink-in-and-cry-moments
since THAT day.
But few have compared.
Few have made me prouder.
Few have had as deep of an impact on my heart
and my feelings about myself.

Since my
I-weigh-what-I-weighed-at-my-Mother's-Funeral Day,
there have been other days when I have cried:
The day I fit into a Misses size, instead of a plus size
The day I broke the 199 pound barrier
The day I dropped to a single digit size for the first time since I was a teenager
The day I tried on bathing suits and FELT GOOD
The day I hit my Wedding Day weight
And my College Graduation Day weight
And my High School Graduation Day weight

And the day I stepped on that scale,
and the numbers declared
100 pounds....gone.

By then, I had already
GAINED back
My Self:
my confidence
my enthusiasm
my sense of purpose
my hopes and dreams
my love for life
my delight in my relationships
my gratitude for each day
my faith in my God
AGAIN.

The 100 pound LOSS was a HUGE accomplishment
But what I gained in the process,
changed my life
in every way imaginable.
Every
Way
Imaginable

And
now...

Now,
it's your turn.



Journal TIME.

1) Take out your journal and make a list. Make a list of your "Weights." Jot down as many NUMBERs from the scale, as you can recall. And make a note beside each one of them about that TIME in your life. What you were doing. What was happening. How you think you got to that weight. Write down the year if you can remember it.

2) THIS is you new GOAL list. Consider looking at THOSE numbers (not the numbers on a chart on web site) to tell you, guide you, motivate you. Rather than focus on an impersonal height and weight chart devised by a dietician or even doctor......look at YOUR NUMBERS. Look at your WEIGHTs from the past.

This is really what it is about,
THIS is about getting back to YOU
NOT getting to a black and white number on a chart.
IGNORE the chart
INGORE the "this is what you should weigh for your height."
And start thinking,
I am on my way back.
I am heading BACK to when I was better than I am now
or
I am moving forward to where I want to be, and who I want to be
This is a completely different MINDSET
than looking at a number
and trying to lose weight to fit into a chart
or fit into a size
This is about finding where YOU fit best into YOUR SKIN
In To Your Self

Make your list. Remember your weights. Remember your days. Remember YOU.

3) On the first page of your journal (are you running out of room?), please print, in all caps:

FORGET ABOUT CHARTS AND SCALES. I'M WORKING ON ME!

That's all.
Be Your Best,
Becky