Glass Houses, Cats & Pilgrims

It's almost Thanksgiving
The perfect (and predictable) time to make
a traditional "What I am Thankful for..." List.

I kind of feel like I already did that,
with my 100 pound list, so I am not going to do it yet again.
I am however going to make a list.

A confessional list
of THINGS I used to do,
which I no longer do.
A list of patterns, habits, stuff...
that were a part of me before,
but are not a part of me now
(most of the time...I mean, we all have relapses now and again, right?)

So
here is my, "What I am Thankful I No Longer Do" List
(It's short, but kind of tough for me to come clean about)

I am Thankful I No Longer:

* Head to the Drive Thru and order Value Meals between lunch and dinner.
* Hide the wrappers/boxes/cups from these EXTRA MEALS from my family (at the bottom of the trash can in the garage, or in trash cans out side of stores I stop at before heading home).
* Eat the equivalent of a meal while making dinner for my family.
* Finish the leftovers while straightening the kitchen after dinner.
* Eat 3+ slices of pizza at a sitting.
* Eat 3+ donuts at a sitting.
* Lie about what I've eaten, or how much.
* Wake myself up in the middle of the night and walk down the kitchen to sneak Pop-tarts, cookies, chips and whatever I could find in the frig.

(My palms are sweaty
and my pulse has quickened
because I've just said all this.
I've told the truth
about me...
And most of the people closest to me,
have no idea
I used to do these things...
and sometimes still want to do them
but just don't anymore.
No idea.)

I know, to some of you reading this,
these confessions are startling.
The thought that anyone would DO
any of the things I listed
(much less, ALL of the things I listed),
is a little bewildering.

But to others,
Now you know
You
Are
Not
The Only One.

You
Are
Not
Alone.

Some of you cannot imagine polishing off 6 donuts
or eating food in the middle of the night
or hiding Whopper wrappers from your family.

But some of you can.
Because some of you do, too.

And...
There is one other thing I must say
I am Thankful I No Longer Do
and
for it,
I am the most, deeply 
thankful.

In fact, the years (a decade worth)
of living the way I lived
and
the year and a half
of changing the way I changed
and the daily, conscious effort it takes
to stay living changed, and as I am
IS WORTH IT ALL--
For. This. One. Thing.


Every year
Every change
Every decision
Every challenge it takes to stay
has led me to be

Thankful
I
No
Longer
Judge.

Today
now
at this point--
I have walked (lived), in an assortment of different "shoes,"
and
today
now
at this point--

I realize I have no right to judge you, as a woman
for where you are, who you are, or what you do.

I have been blessed to have been allowed to live
Nine Lives in the past 40+ years.
(As much as I dislike cats, this is about the best
metaphor I can conjure to represent my story.)

And, from living these 9 lives,
I know what it is like
how it feels
how it hurts
how it stings

to be
judged

for being,


Fat
and
Thin

AND...
a Yankee & a Southerner
prudish & wild
boisterous & quiet
strong & vulnerable
driven & lazy
too conservative & too liberal
too young & too old
traditional & progressive
fearless & afraid
a loner & the life of the party
faith-full & faithless

while also being judged as...
too religious
too open
too sensual
too funny
too deep
too emotional
too passionate
too flirtatious
too aggressive

or
depressed
lonely
provocative
out-there
irreverent
searching
selfish

and
just about
everything else.

Because,
I am (or have been)
ALL
of those
things

And at one time or another,
I have judged
others
for being those very things.
Before
I walked in their shoes
Before
I acknowledged how very much it hurt.

How much it hurt me,
and how much I hurt them.

I have yet to figure out
if I am judged more now because of who I am,
or if I was judged more then, before I changed.

I do know I was more of a Pleaser, then.
I wanted everyone to be happy,
and happy with me.
I wanted acceptance from others
and for their opinions of me to be favorable.
I wanted to make sure
No One had a good reason to judge me.
I guess, because I knew, I was judging them for so much.

All that is to say,
I am thankful for the changes.
Thankful for the freedom
Thankful for the opportunity
to let you know me
and not be afraid of what you will think,
when I share with you,
the truth about me...
where I have been
what I have done
and who I am devoted to being from here on out.

I am filled with thanks.
I am Thankful.

That's all.
Be your best,
Becky


OH, if you haven't already, be sure to check out the contest I am running here on the blog! Be sure to enter your list by December 15, 2010 to WIN!