The Two Go Hand-in-Hand

Maybe I'm assuming too much.
Maybe it's just me.
Maybe I am the only one.
But...
Here is one thing I know:
(about me)
(not necessarily about you)
(but I'm going to blog about it anyway)
(I'm going to address it here, just in case...)

During all the years when I was EATING myself to a place of numbness,
All-the-while I was EATING rather than feeding my SELF,
I was also
Spending
like crazy.

I was shopping
and buying
and collecting
and purchasing
and CHARGING
and filling up...
on
stuff.

And I was filling my children up
with stuff.

I hated trying on clothing for me, because I hated
my size
my options
my stores
my head-to-toe look.
OK, maybe I didn't hate all that.
I didn't really hate me.
I still loved and liked me,
but I was very saaaaad about me...
sad about how I looked
sad about my face
sad about my body
sad about my waist
my butt
my boobs
my chins
my hair
my legs
I was just sad about it
all.

So,
I didn't buy a lot of clothes for me

I bought a lot of stuff for me:
for my house
for my craft room
for my daughters
for my son
for trips
for friends
for parties

And a lot of it...
was just to
Fill
Me
Up.

My husband had a good job,
so I had extra money to do so.
But then, I spent even more than we had
and that was not good.

My spending was just another means
of eating
rather than feeding.
It was a means of consuming.
Rather than feeding
I consumed stuff.

And the internet made it
oh
so
easy
to
do

I didn't have to leave my house!!!
Didn't have to take a shower, get ready, look at myself in the mirror...
SEE how I looked.
I didn't have to try things on in a fitting room
(in one of those tiny, poorly lit, mirror-covered cubes)
(I dreaded the 3-way mirrors the most).
I could sit at my computer,
look at the models on the screen
punch in my credit card number
and get excited about the UPS guy delivering me a package
in a few days.
Oh, how the internet FED my habit..

...while I was EATING through our money.

So,
here I sit
On Cyber Monday.
With an inbox filled with
OPPORTUNITIES to
Save Big!
Stock Up!
Get it all Done!
and
$pend money
we don't have this year.

My husband lost his job this month.
We have money set aside for Christmas.
A real budget.
A nice Christmas.
He and I are giving up Christmas for our kids.
He is home for the first Christmas season in FOUR years.
We are going to shop together
Go to the stores together
Pick out each present together
Wrap the gifts together
We have already decorated together
That is his Christmas gift to me.
It costs nothing for him to give me this gift
but it FEEDS me more than I can even express.
It FEEDS us.
It will fill us.
It is more of Christmas than we have shared since we were a couple with no children.

This Christmas,
I am feeding myself.
I am feeding myself:
the warmth of him.
the simplicity of a reasonable,
responsible Christmas.
I am feeding myself
the time I get to spend with my children
the time I get with Mike
the time we share as a family.

(As I mentioned in last week's vlog)
I am headed into this holiday season
COMPLETELY CONFIDENT,
I will not gain weight.
Really.
Seriously.
Not even worried about it.

I know my source...
My source for happiness and peace and joy and satisfaction
is NOT food.
Food is a part of the celebrations.
I WILL celebrate with food.
But the food,
in and of itself
is NOT the celebration.
It is not the resource for my happiness
and
neither is the spending
or the shopping.

Food
and
Spending
will leave you empty
every
time.

Every
Single
Time...
you will want more
you will run out
because
they
cannot satisfy

I've said enough.

No journal assignment this time.
Just think.
All I ask you to do,
is
think
(This is actually, A LOT to ask).

Look at your holiday plans for shopping
and eating
and think.

See if there is a connection
a pattern
a way you lived in the past
(especially this time of year)
before today
before now,
where you filled up with EATING
and/or SPENDING...
or
drinking
or Ba-Humbugging
or jealousy
or complaining
or sadness
or discontent
or disillusionment
or anger
or loneliness
or chaos
or stress
or activities
or busyness
or obligations
or people
or dysfunctional gatherings
or ________________
(you fill in the blank, you know yourself better than I do)

Think about what YOU
have filled up on,
in past holiday seasons
and decide what you are going to
Feed
Your
Self
This time.

That's all.
Be Your Best!
Becky

Oh, and remember to enter the Favorite Things contest here. SOMEONE is going to win...why not you? I'll add a written post detailing the info on THURSDAY. Send your list to danceparty4one@gmail.com by December 15, 2010