That is the Question...

Today, we start with a question.

Who do you want to be?

I cannot even COUNT the number of times I have heard myself pose that question...to myself, to my children and to my friends. Might be a tough question. Might be an easy one. Certainly, it can be answered in countless ways...and it is your ANSWERS to that question, which will serve as the compass for the remainder of your journey....and your life.

Because,

When it all comes down to it, whether I am looking at my marriage, my role as a mother, friend or sister, even my appearance and my weight,

I have realized, it is not about what I do

or the hats I wear or jobs I hold

or the people I care for, lead and love,

or the challenges I face, trials I encounter or setbacks I suffer

or the bad days, bum deals, short-ended-sticks I'm given

losses, ordeals or chaos I succumb to

it is not even about my marriage

or my family

or my community

or my position, place or status in this world....

It is CENTRALLY,

ULTIMATELY

about WHO I AM

and WHO I WANT TO BE

IT IS

about ME.

And while I know it sounds

noble

sacrificial

righteous

and

humble

to say, it is NOT about me,

or it shouldn't be about me

or it is selfish to make it about me

or egocentric to make it about me

or narcissistic to make it about me

It really is about me,

which means it really is about

you.

Everything is about YOU

EVERYTHING is IN FACT about you...

interacting with

participating in

living through

experiencing

being

LIVING

on this planet

at this time

And what you do with yourself.

I am not a philosopher

I do not know how to say it any plainer

or more elaborately than that.

It is about YOU.

You may choose to deflect that,

or try to explain it away

or sugar coat it in some way,

but your life,

is about you.

And throwing yourself on the train track

Living for the sake of others

Losing yourself

OR

Getting a grip on your issues

Acknowledging you have much to learn,

much to conquer

much to discover

and

are

worth

all the

time

and effort that

learning, conquering and discovering

require---are your choices to make.

You are already making 100 choices a day...

It's just that you're not even conscious for half of them.

So...

For the record:

You are NOT

being selfish when you take time for yourself.

You are NOT

neglecting others

or crossing over into

some wack-o religious heresy or cult

because you dedicate yourself to

knowing yourself and becoming more.

Really.

Some of us need to hear that.

We aren't doing ANYONE any good,

if we are glossing over WHO we ARE, for sake of helping someone ELSE grow-up or find love or be taken care of. We are sending a mixed message to our children, our spouses and our communities if we tell them they are loved, lay down our lives to help them become and grow, teach them they have value and significance, and then live OUR lives in a way contrary to the lessons we are teaching and love we are giving.

I told my husband today on the phone,

I would never want to

grow up or

get married or

and have children

EVER,

if it meant

I had to cease

knowing, growing, and experiencing life

FOR MYSELF.

If I automatically became a Selfish Person

because I wanted to be MORE

after I became an adult or wife or mother.

Seriously, what a rip off!

What a bunch of liars we are,

if we are telling our children they can dream

and want and hope and desire

to be great people....

if we ourselves, don't really believe it.

What an awfully sad thing it would be,

if we told our daughters to dream of driving a mini-van

and hope for a new flavor of Hamburger Helper

and have visions for themselves of clipping coupons and arranging play-dates for their yet-to-be-born kids.

What an empty hope we'd be passing on to our children,

if we told them, to do their best, try their hardest,

work on their character and talents and giftings

and relationships

and themselves....NOW

because once you hit 25 or so,

the rest is just flat and gray

and carpool and t-shirts with socks for sleeping

"Hope you liked your life and lived it well before adulthood, because after that, you're pretty much selfish if you try to keep up what you were doing and who you were interested in BEING before that....."

You know I'm not trying to be funny right?

I think that is EXACTLY the struggle some of us are having...

even with this blog.

Even with the exercises I am giving you to try in your notebooks.

We are either struggling to even believe it is OK to work on ourselves

or

We are afraid to hope, try and believe that it

Might Actually Work

We've tried before,

or at least have been desperate before.

We WANT to change

We HOPE it is possible.

But we are afraid,

We are terrified that we will fail again.

I get that.

I understand that.

I am going to tell you more of my story,

how I faced those fears

what I did to make it DIFFERENT this time

how I REALLY managed to make it happen...

Next Time.

This time, here is what I want you to do in your notebook:

1) Get your gum and your lipstick ready. Prepare your mouth!

2) Sit down with your notebook and THINK...REMEMBER...go back in your head and memories to the times when your teachers, parents, neighbors, friends and families asked you the timeless question, "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

3) Open your notebook to the BACK of the last page where you wrote something (this should be the left-hand side of your journal). Make a list of as many "careers" or "what you wanted to be's" on this page. For example, you might write: I wanted to be a nurse, or a teacher, or a writer, or a gymnast, or a lawyer, or a model or a....

Just make a list of everything you can remember.

4) Examine your list and try to think of WHY those careers were appealing. What was it about being a model that you liked? What about being a teacher, was appealing? What did you think about nurses, why did you want to be one? As you are thinking, start to consider what KIND of PEOPLE enter those careers and have success. Think of QUALITIES and TRAITS central to success in the fields you noted. JUST start thinking....

And then come back and read the rest of this post.

(I know you're going to go ahead a read it right NOW. I know, most of you read these posts and think of your answers, but don't really keep the notebook, and might not even have on lipgloss. I get that. I also get, that if you are REALLY desperate, if you really want to change, you will take the time to go back over these posts again and DO what I suggest, because you really are willing to pay the price at all cost to make something happen in your life---which is why I am so happy for you and proud of you....and it doesn't bother me one bit that you are moving at your own pace and doing this your own way...it is afterall, all about you. I already lost the 100 pounds. I already made my decisions and counted the cost. And DID IT! This is about You!)

Here is the rest of the post....and it is about ME.

It is about how I CHANGED ONE CRITICAL THING in my life...

This is the one thing that I believe, made the greatest difference in every other decision and change:

I no longer think in terms of what I WANT to HAVE or DO.
I do not think about the kind of marriage I WANT.
I do not think in terms of the kind of FAMILY I WANT.
Or the kind of kids I WANT.

I think of WHO I want to be.

I want to be patient
and loving
and generous
and affectionate
and attentive
and present
and bold
and decisive
and purposeful
and devoted
and genuine
and beautiful
and fun
and caring
and enthusiastic
and discerning
and accepting
and free

SO I AM.

I AM WHO I want to BE.
It matters NOT how my husband is
or my kids
or my friends.

I have a running list in MY spiral notebook, of words describing WHO I want to be. Not what I want to do, or how I want things and relationships to be, but WHO I WANT TO BE.

It all started for me, when I really accepted that I wasn't GETTING what I wanted out my personal/marriage/family LIFE. I knew what I wanted. Knew it from the earliest days of my life, when I was a young girl....

I realized, I was WAITING for something I could not MAKE happen, or get for myself. Because marriage is between TWO people. Family, at least mine, is about SIX people. All of my friendships involved at least one other person and ME.

but then....
I realized, I could still be the WOMAN I WANTED TO BE,

WITHIN MY MARRIAGE

and my FAMILY

and my friendships.

I could still be the WIFE, MOTHER, FRIEND I wanted to be....

NOT because it was RIGHT to act certain ways,

or because I HAD to be a "good" wife (mom or friend),

but

BECAUSE IN MY GUT,

IN MY HEART OF HEARTS,

I wanted to BE,

really wanted to BE

a certain kind of person,

a certain kind of wife...regardless of who I was married to.

A certain kind of mom....

really, I knew the

WOMAN I WANTED TO BE.

And so, I ask...

Here is the question again...

Who do YOU want to be?

5) Go back to your notebook and turn to the first page.

Read what you wrote the first day:

Stop eating.

Start feeding myself.

That statement really applies to ALL of my life.....
I STOPPED analyzing and AGONIZING the relationships

(or lack thereof), in my life.
I STOPPED dwelling on my expectations (aka DISAPPOINTMENTS)
I STOPPED looking at the PEOPLE in my life...
and started looking AT ME.
Started thinking about the ME I wanted to be

IN the different circumstances and relationships in my life

Rather than looking AT the AREAS and RELATIONSHIPS of my life.

And, I set out to BECOME the version of myself I had WANTED to be all along.

It was risky.

It made me vulnerable to hurts and rejection, but I DID IT.

I connected with WHO I WANTED to BE....

I became MORE KIND.

I became MORE AFFECTIONATE.

I became more attentive,

BECAUSE THAT IS WHO I WANTED TO BE.

I WANTED TO BE kind, affectionate and attentive.

and it had NOTHING to do with

who I was married to,

or who my kids were or

who I was friends with.

It was all about me.

It is always about me

(and in your life, it is always about you)

6) Turn to the next blank page in your journal, and print the following question at the top:

Who do I want to be?

Then, on the first line underneath, at the left margin, print the beginning of the following sentence:

I want to be a/an.......

Then, go to the very last line on the page and in the center, print "Woman."

7) This week, today, NOW....list as many WORDS as you can think of, you would LIKE to be described as...words you would like to have said about you. Words you WANT TO BE! WHO YOU WANT TO BE. Use your thoughts and conclusions from the earlier stuff you did when thinking about the careers you were interested in as a girl. Draw from the traits you identified as common to the TYPES of PEOPLE who are successful in the careers you listed. I think your answers from when you were a girl, and the kinds of careers and people you found interesting...are still a part of your CORE, your essence, today.

Please try this one.

I really think it is important.

SO important in fact, that I am going to add MY ACTUAL list, what is in MY journal, to a post on this blog so you can see what I mean. So you can LOOK INTO MY LIFE and understand ME a little better. My hope is that it will help you. I am willing to show you who I want to be and risk your laughter, snickers, judgement and whatever else you may think of me, after reading it.

8. Please print on the first page of your notebook (where you have written all the other clever little phrases), WHEREVER YOU WANT:

It REALLY is ALL about me

so

WHO do I want to BE?

Pass along the link to this blog and the YouTube clip and sign up to FOLLOW (please?)

That's all.

Be Your Best,

Becky

My List of WHO I WANT TO BE follows this one (just below it)