From One Blog to Another...

It's been a long time.
Too long.

HERE  is a blog I've posted for Christmas on
my other (more personal) blog.
Just click on the link if you'd like to read...

I plan on being back on the blogging path in January.
Needed some space and time this year...
But am looking forward to writing again soon.

Thank you for your support, notes and inspiration in 2011.
Those I've heard from over the past several months have made an impact in my life!

Be Your Best!
Becky

I Meant to do That

Had an interesting conversation with a co-worker the other day.
He asked for my opinion,
Wanted to know what I thought.
Said he figured I'd have an answer for his question.

(I always like when people ask me what I think,
it makes me feel good, like they believe I actually
AM thinking and have thoughts to share.
Who doesn't like that?)

He shared that he's spent a chunk of his life,
in his current station of life,
waking up in the morning
and heading to bed at night
aware
very aware
that there is something
waiting out there for him to do
be
discover
become
accomplish
and
pursue.

He's antsy
and excited
and feels expectant
and ready
and on edge

but every day is the same

every day, he feels this way

but nothing
ever
seems
to

happen.

He shared that he'd recently opened up to another friend
and the friend had given his opinion
on One's Purpose.
He had shared his perspective with this thought,
"Maybe...just maybe, you've already accomplished your purpose.
Maybe there is no grand thing out there for you to pursue.
Maybe you've already done it.
And you're sitting around waiting.
And it's already over and done."

This left him in a tizzy
this unsettled him
this was not the kind of answer he expected.

And it was not what he needed to hear...

So now, it was my turn.
My turn to throw an answer in with the other
and see what came out...

Here's the thing,
I am driven by a sense of purpose.
I am defined by my intense belief in purpose
I am challenged, motivated, inspired and
connected in every area of my life
to
my

purpose

So, to ask me what I think,
to ask for my thoughts
on Purpose...
is giving me an open invitation to share
the heart and soul of who I am.

In that very moment,
while I was pausing
preparing how I wanted to answer
considering what he needed
contemplating his question,
I knew I was walking into a purposeful moment
I knew I was about to fulfill a purpose
I knew that specific conversation was part of why
I had woken up that morning...

because

I believe there is purpose behind every single day of my life
I believe there is purpose in every human encounter I have throughout my day
I believe there is purpose in every still moment I take to breathe and think
I believe there is purpose in
every touch
every word
every connecting point
every smile
every laugh
every tear
every sigh
every smirk
every moment of my day

I live each of my days with purpose
with intention
with an effort to fulfill my purpose
for that morning
that afternoon
that evening
that night

These are not always grand purposes,
but sometimes, they can be.
Each and every time
I give a piece of me away
in a smile
or a kindness
or an encouragement
or an engaging conversation,
I am aware of purpose,
My purpose
and His purposes.

There is meaning to my life because there is meaning to my day.
Each and every day.

And then, there are other Purposes
(note the capitol 'P').
Purposes I have committed to for the long-haul...


Raising and nurturing my children into:
adulthood
sincere opportunities to experience faith in action
maturity of character
depth of care
and wisdom

Maintaining a heart that's free
and open
and feeling
and loving
and caring
and forgiving
and accepting

And sharing my faith
and hope
and love...
so others can see
and feel
and know
Him
through me.

And then there is PURPOSE
(the kind my co-worker was questioning).
the ultimate,
over-riding
driving
life-defining
all-encompassing
point of
life.
His life
My life
Your life.

Here's the thing.
Here's how I really feel...
Here's what I think
about PURPOSE...

I believe each of our lives have
purpose
Purpose
and
PURPOSE.

I believe there are ultimate things
I have been designed to live out
experience
share
pass on
go through
and become

In those things, my PURPOSE will unfold.

But, at this point,
I'm not looking for
searching out
seeking
PURPOSE.
I am not holding out for an Oprah
kind of PURPOSE.

I'm not holding out at all.
I am not waking up
or falling asleep
wondering
feeling tension
questioning the meaning of my life.

I am,
as I shared with my friend...

Pursuing the purposes I know
instead of wondering about
waiting for
questioning
what is unknown...
what I don't know.

I am pursuing what I know,
I am meant to do.
I am loving where I can love.
Giving where I can give.
Spending myself where I can be poured out.
Sharing what I can share.

Being who I have been designed to be.
Growing little by little
and reaching behind me to anyone who might want to follow along.
I am pursuing purpose in all things.

And,
I believe
ultimately,
I will accomplish what I was intended to accomplish.
I will apprehend that which I have been apprehended for.

I have been given life
and breath
and people to love
and faith to share
and friends to encourage
and children to nurture
and a heart to keep tender
and people to discover
and me....to give.

That is my purpose
and my Purpose
and my PURPOSE.

Pursue the purpose you know
whether it is in your mothering
your sistering
your neighboring
your spousing
your working
your questioning
your changing
your challenging
your becoming
your morning
your afternoon
your night

Pursue it with gusto.
Live with intention.
Find fulfillment in being
and becoming
and making a difference in someone's day
or life...
and giving
and teaching

....and loving.
What's more purposeful than that?

That's all.
Be Your Best,
Becky

Slumber Party

To everything, there is indeed a season.
A time to dance
and
a time to
sleep.

I mean really sleep.
There is a time to draw the curtains
shut the door
take a Tylenol PM
(or drink a glass of wine)
Pipe some mellow music into your ears
(or read a book)
slip into your pjs
get under your covers
sink into your pillow
and
sleeeeeeeep
even if it's only 6:30

even if there are dinner dishes in the sink
and your kitchen floor needs to be swept
and there are good things on tv
and you didn't fold the laundry
and there are phone calls you didn't return
and you haven't been to bed before 7pm since you were five....

There is a time
and a place for sleep
and naps
and rest

Your body needs to be fed.
You need to feed yourself.
And sleep is one of those things, you need to be fed.
All of this is coming from
a terrible sleeper.

I am a horrible sleeper.
I cannot shut my brain off at night.
I don't really know how to fall asleep.
(the whole idea of 'falling asleep' has always intrigued me...I mean, how does this happen? what makes my body sleep? how do I naturally go from the state of being awake one second, to asleep the next? See? See...? This is the reason I am a horrible sleeper....I lay awake thinking about sleep all night!)

I am a light sleeper.
I wake at the slightest sound.
I stir if the moon is too bright through my window.
I talk in my sleep.
I even snore...a little (or so I've been told).
I have bad dreams (snakes in my covers)
I have sad dreams (time with my mother and then saying goodbye again)
I have stupid dreams (playing Uno with strangers)

I have a hard time falling asleep
I have a hard time staying asleep
and

I wake up before my alarm sounds
I wake up early, when I could have slept more...

I would rather stay up all night, than sleep.
I really like being awake.
Really.
And night time is my favorite time of the 24hrs I get to live each day.

But, it's sleep I need.
I need to sleep to regain my strength
refill my energy tank
keep my emotions from spilling over
regulate my eating needs
keep my metabolism running smoothly...
sleep gives me the stamina to give my next day all the gusto I've got.

So, I need sleep
and I need rest.

Rest is different than sleep.
Rest,
is sitting back
breathing
and be-ing.

Be...ing
Resting is, I believe
a lost art.

I am very good at resting
I am quite successful just BE.....ing
and I get better at it all the time.
I LOVE to rest.
I LOVE to just BE.
I could rest and BE for hours every day!
Resting is a decision on my part
I determine to rest (and BE) every single day.
I shut my door
I give myself 15 minutes (at least)
to rest (and BE), each day.

I might listen to music
but most of the time,
I am silent.
I am thinking.
I am pondering.
I am NOT dwelling on what I need to do with the remainder of my day.
I am not texting, chatting or talking on the phone.
I am NOT planning ahead
or organizing
or worrying
or thinking about my children or their needs.

I am resting
I am BE-ing
and thinking about me.
I am thinking about who I am
the choices I've made
the growth I see
the happy, fulfilling moments of my day
the goodness of my life
the things I am thankful for
the people I cherish.

When I am resting,
I am focused on goodness
and beauty
and joy
and breathing.
I do a lot of breathing when I am resting...
and BE-ing

And yes,
without fail, one of (maybe even all of)
my children
try to interrupt
me.
But I stop them.
I don't let them into my room.
I send them to their rooms....to rest
to BE
(with no tv, or video games...
with nothing).
I want to teach them to know and understand the value of rest.
I want to teach them,
silence is important
stopping is critical
being alone with one's thoughts is invaluable
Learning to think, ponder, BE, consider and know
thyself....
is a skill

and a gift

and something never to be sacrificed.


When the dancing is done,
I need to feed myself sleep
and I need to rest
and I need to BE.


It's not even 3 o'clock on this particular Thursday,
but I'm in my pjs
with my hair in a ponytail
glasses sitting on top of my head
while I am at my laptop
and my bed is unmade.
It called to me to earlier to take a nap.
And I answered.
Today I napped
I needed it.

Now, I'll pick up my children from school.
They will have a snack
we will discuss their day
they will do their homework
then they'll go to their rooms
and I will go to mine
and we will have 30 minutes to ourselves
to rest and be
until it's time for me to start making dinner.

My eight-year old twins
My eleven year-old daughter
My teenage son
will all rest.
And so will I.

It's a required activity in my house.

So.
That's all!
Be your best,
Sweet dreams,
Becky

Hope Springs...Eternal

I was interviewed for a book a few weeks ago.
Asked some questions about my story,
My past
My present
and
My future.

Some of the questions were familiar.
I'm asked them each time I share about the 100 pounds...
How did you do it?
and
How long did it take?

But then,
I was asked another question.
Asked in a way I hadn't been asked before.
I was asked,
What was your lowest point?
I think I answered with my own question...
What do you mean, lowest point?
Same question, re-worded for clarification:
When did you hit rock bottom?


That was a new one.
When did I hit rock bottom?

I don't know if I paused in the conversation.
Not sure if I really even hesitated with my response.
I guess, most people have a "rock bottom moment."
A moment when they've had enough,
"The straw that breaks the camel's back" kind of moment,
or as Oprah says, "an Ah-ha moment."
(Oh my! Am I actually quoting Oprah in my blog???)

I didn't have that kind of moment.

Yes, I remember walking past windows in stores,
catching my reflection and not realizing I was the
big, big woman staring back.
Yes, I remember looking in the mirror at my bathroom sink
and thinking I was starting to look like an entirely different woman
than I remembered being.
Yes, there were times when I cried and groaned
and dreaded taking a shower
because I knew I'd have to stare at myself
to put on my makeup
and do my hair
and that, though I was trying my best to look good,
I didn't feel inside like it even mattered.

Yes.
I had those moments.
Plenty of them.
BUT...
(this may sound confusing)
even though
I had plenty of those moments,
I still had hope for myself.

Hope.
Deep HOPE for myself and my future.

So,
when I was asked about rock bottom,
lowest moments,
I answered,

I didn't really ever hit rock bottom.
I don't think I had a lowest moment.

Because
I always had hope.

In fact, I knew 
I could
and would...

Change.

One day.

At some point.

I just knew it.

So,
when I actually picked the date to begin,
August 13, 2008
I picked it from a place of hope.
I picked it months before.
I chose the date my new life,
the new me,
would begin
with great hope
from a place of hope
establishing my hope on that date.

I chose my 39th birthday.
Not because I was terrified of turning 40
Not because I was trying to find the Fountain of Youth
Not because I was depressed about aging.
I chose my 39th birthday,
because I had great hopes for myself.
I knew it was my time to devote to myself.

I chose to dig into the hope I had for myself...
hope for my future
hope in the possibilities
hope about my strengths and purpose and destiny
and the life I still had ahead of me.

You see,
To me,
hope is not wishing
hope is not a shot in the dark
hope is not a casual thing
For me, hope is not a
feeble
weak
shoulder-shrugging
take-it-or-leave-it option.
I'm not talking about the "Well, I hope so" kind of thinking
or the "Hope I make it" kind
(to me, these are hopeless, doubtful, skeptical statements).

Hope is, to me (and for me)
a confidence
an assuredness
a beacon
a support to everything else
a stamina-producing
stick-with-it determination
immovable confession
declared mission statement.

My hope
for myself
was that,
I was capable of anything.
And that there was still an entire life ahead of me
and I wanted to get back into it
and do so with strength, vitality, love and energy.

I never lost hope for myself.
I never lost hope in my future.
In my belief about me
my belief IN me.
(not in some raging ego-maniac way)
But I just knew I could do this.
I could change
I could alter where I was...
alter where I was stuck
alter my thoughts about myself
alter my mind
my heart
my emotions
my body
my everything.

I just knew I could do it.
And it wasn't because I had great will power
or strength
or a desperate need
or a great personal trainer
or some other thing I wanted to gain....
It was because I had hope.

I never gave up on myself.
My self.
I never gave up my hope
that I was created to live
and to be alive
and to experience my life with joy
and love
and vitality
and
hope.

And
(this might be the key to it all)
I deeply believed,
I was designed
to
be
loved.

I was designed to love
and be loved.

And that it started with knowing I was
designed
and
created
and
loved
by
Him.

And that
He
designed
and
created
me
to
love what He had made.
And HE had made
Me,
To love
my self
as He loves me.

I have hope for myself
because I love my self
I love me
and I make no apologies for that.

I do
love myself...
I love myself enough
to hope for my future
believe in my strengths
trust in my capabilities
make the absolute most of
my year
my day
my relationships
my life
and
Me.
I love myself enough to make the most of Me.

And
I have hope for you
too.

I KNOW you can do this.
I know you can
alter, re-invent, jump-start, change, become, return, discover, connect, forgive, release, recover, stop, begin, do-over, accept, uncover, tell the truth about, speak out, redeem, branch-out, dream, accomplish, survive, uproot, conquer, determine, hit head-on, tackle and overcome...
anything.

Anything.
Anything at all.

You really can.



That's all.
Be your best,
Becky

Mirror, Mirror: Time for Reflection

I began sharing about my little Dance Parties in August, last year.
After I'd lost 100 pounds.
After the 18 months it took to lose those pounds
and
after keeping off those 100 pounds for almost six months.
Almost an entire year ago.
It has been almost 36 months (three years!) since this ALL started
and almost 12 months since I started talking about it.

I can't tell you just how difficult it was for me to open up
and start talking.
You'd think I would have been
thrilled
excited
blabbering
chomping at the bit
fit to be tied
shouting at the top of my lungs
about losing 100 pounds.
But. I. Wasn't.

I mean, I was thrilled and proud.
I was amazed by my accomplishment
Quite in love with my new self
and over the moon about how my body had changed.

But,
there was still something about it
I wanted to keep hidden
private,
within,
just mine.

Honestly,
it was the shame.
I was still burdened by the shame.
The shame of where I had been.
What I had become.
How far I had let myself go before
Leading up to the weight loss.

You see, through the beauty of social media (aka Facebook),
I had reunited, remembered, reconnected with and reminisced
with literally hundreds of high school and college friends
who
didn't know
hadn't seen
had no idea
who I was now....
how I looked

And it's not that it mattered to them
it's not that it would have made a difference
it's not that they would have commented to me
or thought bad things
or made me feel big, or fat or ugly.
It's just that I didn't want them to remember me any way other than
before.
Who I was before.
When I was regular sized.
When I was light-hearted
and fun.
When I was depression-free
Out there, and open.
Before I hid.
Before I made excuses
Before I had lost ME under the layers of life.

Ironically, it was that same
beautiful
voyeuristic
easy-access
connect-with-everyone-you've-ever-met
social media (aka Facebook)
that gave me the nudge, support, strength and
UMPH
to re-charge, change, re-engage, re-connect and begin living again.

It was remembering
reflecting
re-living
Me Moments
Friend Moments
College Days
High School Classes
Proms
Drama
Dates
Happiness
Music
Awkwardness
Accomplishments
and the people who knew me
counted me as a friend
remembered my quirks
watched me grow up
grew up with me
faced life beside me
walked through life, puberty, graduation, boyfriends, break-ups
and
everything else
Who reminded me
of me
again.

I looked at my friends,
and it was as though
they were holding up a mirror in front of me
saying,
This is you.
THIS memory of you, is still you.
These year book images
These faded photos
These tales
These first impressions
These clubs, dorms, activities, organizations, classes we shared...they are where I have memories of you, Becky.
You are WHO I remember.
This is how I see you now.
This is who you are to me.


And when I connected with
remembered
reflected
and reminisced....
I wanted to go back.
ALL of me,
wanted to go back.

Not to 15
or 18
or 21
or 25
(I really have no interest in going backward in time.
I love where I am in my life.
I love it)
But,
I wanted to go back
to get back
to ME.
I wanted to get ME back.

So, I started from the inside
Then I went to work on the outside.
I went back in my mind and my heart.
Went back to the purest times in my life,
when I was becoming
ME
and I set out to regain those parts again.
And
I did it.

So,
YOU, old friend, are more a part of this journey than you have realized.
YOU, who are still with me, reading this blog
(or not reading it.....living completely unaware of your power and influence)
YOU are a part of my journey.

Though I was afraid, at first
to show you how I had changed
to reveal how I had in form become someone else,
it was YOU....
It was YOU who helped me change again...back to my former self.
It was YOU who helped me get inside my head and my heart
and grow back into who I really wanted to be.

So
Thank you.
Thank you for remembering me.
Reminding me.
And showing up, in your own
unaware
impacting way,
for this Dance Party for One.

Call an old friend today.
Remember the old days.
Remind yourself of your greatest memories
your funnest times
your most meaningful moments
Reflect
and remember yourself.
and go back.
Get your SELF back again.
From the inside, out.

That's all.
Be Your Best!
Becky

Note to Self (and anyone else who's reading...)

Stock up on cute, flirty sundresses & halter dresses when they go on clearance.

Stop hiding your arms!

Better yet, buy a pair of 8lb dumb-bells and start doing simple sets of 15 "what-evers" with them
before you get dressed in the morning
and after you brush your teeth at night.

Touch up your roots when they start showing!

Stop going out to eat. 

Eat the groceries in your pantry! 

You paid good money for them. 

Stop being lazy...

get up and 

make something in YOUR kitchen.

Buy (& wear) a cheap pair of big hoop earrings for the pool.

Get a pair of flipflops with a little bling when they go on sale for next year at the pool.

Find a picture of the fabulous swimsuit (a two-piece!) you want for next year.

Post it some place to inspire you all summer (fall and winter) long.

Buy some lipgloss....something from the CORAL family.

Keep it in your beach/pool bag and use it liberally while you're out.

Buy a case of Fresca (Peach Citrus).

Tastes like Summer.

Commit to read a great book for each WEEK remaining in your summer.

Turn off the television and read something:

Magazines, non-fiction, even a romance novel (I mean it!)

Rent your favorite movies from the 80s.

(or whenever you were highschool)

Quote as many lines as you can remember.

Share them with your kids (if suitable).

Go out with your girlfriends.

Eat outside.

Get loud. Really loud.

Laugh Out Loud.

Call your best friend and cry.

Really Cry.

Really let it out.

She'll understand.

She might be needing a good cry, too.

Cuddle with your kids (if they'll let you).

Buy a summery scented candle

and shower gel

or bubble bath

and

escape.

Close the door to the bathroom

run yourself a warm bath.

Slice a lemon into sections,

put a spoonful of sugar on a plate

and soak your worries away

as you dredge the lemon through the sugar.
Savor the flavor.

Don't cut your hair!

Let it air dry.

Find some new way to wear it.

Buy a new hair band or clips.

Do something different with it.

Or get a straw cowboy hat and wear it.

Use lots of Aveeno body lotion.

(Put it on after you get out of the shower,

BEFORE you dry off...it'll work even better!)

Play music.

All

Summer

Long....

Play music

and sing along.

Have fun

Feel alive

Love

Smile

Breathe

Rest

Relax

Watch as many sunsets as possible.

Eat ice cream

and watermelon!

Soak in summer for all it has to offer.

Feed yourself on summer.

That's all.

Make this your best summer EVER!

Be your best!

Stop eating

and

Start feeding yourself, Becky!!!!

(and everyone else!)

Cat's Outta' the Bag

Motivation

Inspiration

Calculation

Sink your anchor into any
or better yet all,
of these,
let them guide your
life choices
career choices
school choices
food choices
commitment choices
even
friend choices,

and you may just find yourself
accomplishing your goals
meeting your objectives
overcoming your obstacles
cherishing your relationships
and being the woman
you really want to be.

I know
because when I am not tapped into them,
little else seems to work
I am unable to connect
find fulfillment
manage my time
my emotions
my day-to-day life.

I need all three working in my life,
intertwined like a rope,
or a braid....

keeping the fly-aways tamed.

My daughters have gorgeous hair
in abundance
beautiful hair
which tangles and knots while they sleep
and especially, when they swim.

Since pool season is upon us,
when I remember to do so,
I braid their hair before they dive in,
and the agony of knots in (and after) showers,
are much easier to deal with.

Likewise, I need the three strands of
motivation, inspiration and calculation
to keep me strong and free and tamed.

What is your motivation today?
What are you working toward....
and why?

Your inspiration?
What is keeping you on the path?
Is your longing
your goal
your finish line
your want
something trivial?
something shallow?
something lacking soul
and heart
and reason?
What is inspiring you to continue
to push on
to stay with it
to pursue with passion?

Have you calculated the cost?
Have you put pen to paper
Penciled in dates
Assessed the true need
Asked yourself the tough questions
Sought to answers to the Whys?
Have you calculated how this will change you?
How you want to change?
What you are willing to do
to become
to grow
to live
to re-shape
redefine
rediscover
return
to you
and who you want to be?

I am in the process
I know my motivation.......

I have won a trip to Cacun
Yes.
Won it.
Won a trip to the beautiful beaches of the Gulf of Mexico!
I am turning 42
in Mexico.
I am turning 42 in Mexico,
with a very different life than when I turned 41
in Atlanta
And I am motivated to be my
Absolute
Total
100%
42-year old
living-life-to-the-fullest
learning-from-the-messes-and-successes
finding-beauty-in-the-stretch-marks
BEST
I can possibly be.

I am inspired by the time away from the chaos and duties of life
the freedom to have fun and celebrate
the joy of traveling where I have never been before
literally
and
Oh
So
Very
Symbolically.
I am inspired that I did NOTHING to earn this trip
or deserve this treat
or merit this blessing
or work for it.

I was simply smiled upon by God.
He simply whispered to me,
"This is for you.
I know where you are,
I have not forgotten you.
I see all you have been through
and know there is more to come...
but I want you to know,
I remember you.
I am terribly fond of you.
I have been here all along.
I know you better than you know yourself.
I know what you need.
I know what brings you joy.
I know what will help heal you.
I know how to reach you with My love,
and take your breath away
and give to you what you have never even asked for.
I know how to love you.
And I do.
Here....
Here's a prize.
Enjoy it.
Love it.
Plan for it.
Be inspired by it.
Be inspired by MY love for you."

So.
I am re-building my hopes
remembering my faith
breathing deeper
taking it all in
crying over good things
leaning in to His love

Feeding My Self
rather than eating in the shadows.

And I have lost 4 pounds

And I will wear a skimpy bikini in Cancun.



But I will not post pictures.

That's all.
Be YOUR best,
Becky

A Matter of Perspective

I've been paying bills.
I've been working 2 jobs.
Not great jobs.
Not perfect, "I've Always Wanted to do This" jobs.
Not even jobs that pay me well.
But I have been working.
And paying bills.
On time.

And it feels....
Well,
Honestly...
It feels
Good.
It feels satisfying.
I feel satisfied when I pay my bills.

Satisfied I CAN pay my bills.
Satisfied, that my work
my little, dinky jobs
pay me money,
and that, in turn, I can pay a bill or two.

Without those jobs...
(Yikes!)
Life would be different.
I know there are those of you out there,
reading this
who are needing work
or the person you are married to, is needing work.
I know there are some of you who struggle with paying your bills.
I get that.
I know that.
I am there sometimes too.

But here is what I am realizing today,
those bills,
those papers that crowd my mailbox,
with all the dates and numbers and dollar $igns,
for simple things like
electricity, water, cell phone minutes and cable TV,
Can be viewed in at least two different ways:

1) I can see them and think, "I hate paying bills. I hate that these simple things cost me so much. WHY do I have to pay so much here, when I want to spend my money THERE? Ugh! Bills! Bills are horrible! Bills make me miserable. Bills keep me from getting to do what I really wish I could do!"

And quite honestly, this is a totally understandable to way to feel about/look at bills. But there is another way to look at them too. This is the way I look at bills now (or at least this evening, as I was setting up payments on line and writing checks...):

2) I am so glad, I can even pay this bill. I am proud of myself for the work I put in, to make the money, so I can talk on my cell phone and text my friends. I LOVE that I was able to watch the Royal Wedding, and the finales of my top shows because I had cable last month. The day I turned on the AC this month put me in such a great mood, because it meant summer is on the way! It's great to have money to pay my bills. Great to even have a job!"

I know
I know
I know....
it all sounds a little goofy.
a little too happy, perky, peppy, over-the-top.
But,
there is something to be said about trying a new perspective.

I get it:
Some bills are just too expensive.
Some fees are stupid, and outrageous and annoying
and unfair.
I'm working on my attitude with those bills.

The bills for things I've bought during the month,
the stuff I loaded in my cart, that I could have left on the shelf...
those bills....fill me with questions, little regrets and guilt.
Those bills, I need to really study
analyze
press myself to understand
and stop adding to their bottom line.


(You see where I'm going with this, don't you?
You know what point I'm about to make, right?
You can guess what's next, can't you?)

Bills=Weight
Paying Bills=Losing Weight
Perspective=Perspective

You can look at losing weight,
changing your life
working on yourself
making adjustments,
cutting back
working out
pushing away from the table
putting down the fork
leaving the sweets on the shelf at the store
Feeding Yourself, rather than eating...
in many different ways,
but TWO specifically, which will make a huge difference
(I believe)
in your success...
your long-term,
stick-with-it,
see-it-through,
change-for-good
success.

Perspective 1:
Is this journey about loss?
Feeling stressed and struggling?
Bending your will?
Fighting to beat something?
Dreading the changes?
Focusing on sacrifice?
Putting yourself down?
Doing without what you want?
Missing out on what you love?

or

Perspective 2:
This journey is about discovery, regaining, becoming
This is about choices
Choosing who I want to be
and how I am going to get there.
This is about picking myself up.
Looking at where I have been and where I am going.
Deciding what is best for me.
Wanting what is good for me.
Living in a way that adds to my life
and the meaning of my life.
I am in the middle of learning what I really want.
I am, with each decision.....closer
Closer to the finish line.
Closer to the goal.
Closer to me
Closer to the rest of my story.
Each and every bite and do (or don't) take...
Each minute I dance, or walk, or move...
or rest, reflect, question, journal, think...
Gets me further along--

Moves me away from my "Before" picture
and nearer to my "After."

It ALL adds up.
Our perspectives,
influence our attitudes
and our attitudes,
influence our actions
and our actions
are what completely affect
our results.

(read that again.....about it ALL adding up.
think about it
consider it
write it down on the first page of your journal.
I'm going to write it on my bathroom mirror
and on an index card on my frig
and on a post-it on my closet door
and on a slip of paper near my debit card in my wallet
Where will YOU put it?)

That's all.
Be Your Best,
Becky

Head's UP! Waaaaaaay Up!

It's TIME.
The time has come
to
blog
again.
So here,
right here,
I declare it:

WATCH THIS SPACE!
I will begin blogging (and VLOGGING!!!) again
on....
as of...
beginning...
MONDAY, May 23rd, 2011.
And I mean it.

I will be blogging TWICE a week
(not quite as often as before).

I'll be here.
How 'bout you?
Will you join me?

Will you join me in losing 15lbs?
(or whatever YOU have to lose...or gain...or find...or discover...or release)
Because that amount...
that weight
those pounds
that mountain....
is what these past six months or so...
of silence
change
moving
laboring
crying
sadness
uncertainty
divorce (there, I said it)
singleness
decision
working (2 jobs!)
thinking
mothering
loving
re-grouping
defending
explaining
struggling
sighing
forgiving
talking
releasing
sadness
acceptance
and
so
much
more....
have added to my frame...
To me.
To who I am.
To the woman,
the mother
the gal,
I am
and want to be.

I am with you
I am in the same boat
I am working things out
I am looking at myself again
I am ready.
Ready to face myself
Ready to ask the tough questions
Ready to tell myself the truth
Ready to do the work
Make the changes
Work
Change
Think
Feel
Try
Make the Effort
Again.
Again and again.

I am ready to put it out there.
Strip it down to the truth.
Face the facts.
Do the Work
To get back.
Back to me
Back to who I want to be.

This is harder,
it's harder this time.
It is so
much harder
this
time.

The first 100 pounds were about
the past 12 years of losing me
and the past three years of
finding me
and figuring out WHY?
Why I had gained the weight
Why I had kept the weight on
Why I had decided to lose it when I did
and
What I was going to do next

Harder now, because I reached the goal,
but have
slipped back,
gained a little of it again,
given up a little
given into hopelessness
given away my confidence
felt failure
felt judgement
felt isolation
felt misunderstood
and
felt like it was no use.

Are you with me?
Have you felt what I feel?
Have you given up?
Have you all BUT, given up?

Then let's do this together!

I am here
writing again
telling the truth
letting you in on my struggle...
writing in the night,
rather than in the day
because it feels just a little safer
just a little less vulnerable
just a little less in "broad daylight"
but I am here, nonetheless
and I am ready
I am oh-so-ready
as of today....tonight, really
To make the changes and begin again.

If you have written to me,
sweet, supportive, encouraging notes...
notes of concern
notes of care
notes with questions and words of friendship....
I will get to YOU in the coming week (or so)
Your words have meant SO much to me.
I have cried
felt bolstered
squared my shoulders, held my head high....
or sunk into a place of peace and comfort...
because you have taken the time to write.
Thank you.
Thank you for the personal notes.
I have felt your friendship
and I'm truly grateful.

So.
Now.
Gather your friends.
Get your notebook. Your gum. Your lipstick.
and let's see what we can do NOW.
Get ready for Monday--
and let's starting DANCING
with all our hearts
with everything we've got....

Because we can!

That's all.
Be your best!
(see you Monday!),

Becky

Shadow Dancing

It is nice to be missed.
It is comforting to receive personal notes,
messages from women who have visited this blog
and noticed I've been missing.
I sigh
and smile
and even tear up a little
when I hear from you.
Thank you.
Yep. I've been gone.

And I'm not back quite yet.
(But I will be...I will)

Without a lot of detail,
without a lot of drama
or hoopla,
I will let you in.

I am still dancing.
Slowly
Quietly

Alone.

I am still taking care of myself,
but my life is a bit sideways right now.
It is hard
and shifting (a lot).

This is not a time for high heels and red lipstick.
It is not a time for Rockstar Jeans and Jamming Tunes.
Not a time for posting inspiration or motivation.
Not a time for offering strength to others,
when I am in such need of it myself.

It is a time for
flats
or slippers
and maybe even just socks
and maybe even bare feet.

It is a time for me to focus on being a mother.
Putting my children first, without putting myself last.

I am walking more than I am dancing.
I am moving through my day
at a different pace
in a different direction than I've ever known before.

Sometimes I am sitting and just trying to listen.
At times, I am simply standing, and hoping to hear something.
Other times I am leaning against whatever I can find to hold me up.

My life
is changing.

YOU, get out and dance for me.
Dance and become.
Be free and change.
Discover who you want to be, and embrace it.

And let me hear from you.
Tell me your stories.
Inspire and motivate...me!

I'll catch up with you soon.
Very soon.

That's all.
Be Your Best!
Becky

One-Sided Conversations

I talk to myself.

A lot.

All Day Long.

Every Day.

And I answer back.

It's not creepy.

It's not insanity.

It's not an issue of mine...

It is my way of focusing.

My way of staying connected.

My way of choosing

and living

and knowing

what I am doing

why I am doing it

and who I am.

I used to ignore myself.

I lost my voice.

I forgot my connection with my self.

I had thoughts,

hopes

wants

needs

and

dreams,

but they lived in my head

or in my heart

or sometimes in a notebook.

But then,

I started saying them aloud

OUT loud.

Putting them in motion.

Setting them free.

Letting them out.

And when I heard myself say them

admit them

confess them

give them life

allow them to leave my head

and my heart,

I realized,

my words

had

power.

My words had power to help me choose

to make me move

to change me

to represent myself

to share myself

To

remind

motivate

encourage

inspire

challenge

and 

correct

ME.

I have conversations with myself when I wake up

When I am getting ready for my day

When I stand in front of an open refrigerator

When I walk into a grocery store

or a fitting room

I ask myself questions,

and I answer.

Do I really want to eat this, or do I want the way I will feel if I choose NOT to eat it?

Do I really want to spend this, or will I feel better if I wait on something else I really want?

Do I really need to let this bother me, or can I let it go and be proud of myself?

Do I really need to let this go, or do I need to face it head on and be heard?

Why am I so restless?

Why did I do that?

What do I want to really say, the next time?

When am I going to get serious about this and conquer it?

What is the most important thing for me to do with this day?

What am I going to do today for myself?

Where do I want to spend my time today?

Why do I keep falling into the same patterns?

How badly do I really want this?

Why am I choosing moment by moment, rather than planning and sticking with my plan?

How do I want to feel when I get into bed tonight, about how I lived this day?

Is this really going to make me happy?

Will I still be happy because of it, in one hour, one day, one week?

or

Will I wish I hadn't? Will I be frustrated with myself? Angry? Depressed? Disappointed?

So many questions.

And,

a few years ago,

I would not have been able to answer them.

A few years ago,

I didn't know myself,

didn't remember myself

didn't invest the time,

to even question....

wasn't even close to knowing myself enough

for the answers.

But now,

today,

I can answer

I can answer all of these questions.

Most of the time,

I am honest with my responses,

most of the time

but there are still times

when I trick myself

or am confused

or answer in a way that shields the truth

or is a lie.

Yep. Sometimes I even lie to myself

(and I know when I'm doing it)

When I find myself going a day or two

in silence,

without the questions

(and therefore, without any answers),

I know I have to start talking again.

Thinking

Feeling

Pausing

Reflecting

and Conversing

with me

again.

My life doesn't seem to work very well,

My time is not my own,

I seem to forget about me and come unraveled

and get irritable

and discouraged

and start eating

and forgetting

and slipping backward....

....when I give myself the silent treatment.

Stop Eating

and

Start Feeding Your Self

Talk to yourself today.

Aloud.

Out Loud.

You really are your very best friend,

once you get to know yourself.

That's all.

Be Your Best,

Becky

Overnight Success

Seriously?
No such thing.
At least not in my experience.

We did not get where we are today
in one day's time.
We have arrived where we are today,
through a series of choices
circumstances
events
relationships
experiences
and
efforts
or
a lack thereof.

There are no overnight successes
and
There are no overnight
failures.

I could stop there.
But that would be so unlike me.

Wherever you are today,
do not be discouraged
do not be too discouraged.

You are changing
You are becoming
You are growing

I am reminded of the leg cramps my son gets when he is in the middle of a growth spurt.

He cries in his sleep
and wakes with pains in his legs.
We wait out the cramps,
until he can drift off and rest again.
The next day, he wants me to measure him.
He wants to know the hurt he felt,
produced something.
He wants to know how much he grew
how he changed
what the discomfort was for.
He wonders if anything happened
if it made a difference
or if he freaked out, hurt and cried
for
nothing.
I can't say that has ever been a measurable change in his height
the morning after the growing pains.
But...
I know he is three inches taller this year,
than he was last year.
So I know (and he knows)
He has grown.

You are growing too.
You can grow.
You can continue to grow
every single day.

And
You can take a break from growing,
whenever you need to
or want to.

Take a look at yourself.
Really look at YOU.
are you growing?
or do you need a break?
Are you stressing about the results you aren't seeing?
Are you giving yourself credit for the aches and pains you are going through in the process?

Give yourself some credit, Woman!
Back off the self-criticism.
Release the loathing and disappointment you tighten your heart around when you are so hard on yourself.
Take a look at yourself
and enjoy who you are
and where you are.
Breathe in deep
and give yourself
a moment to feel pleased with yourself.

And if you are close to giving up,
if you are standing still
if you are feeling stuck
if failure and hopelessness are whispering in your ear,
remember...
remember Who You Want to Be
and give yourself a pep-talk
or a kick in the _ _ _  (substitute your word here).
give yourself a do-over

and

QUIT:
blaming others
making excuses
forgetting yourself
teaching others to devalue you
thinking it can't be done
eating without hunger
stopping too soon
claiming you are working harder than you are
schlumping around looking half-dead
ignoring your needs
settling for blah rather than LIFE.

and get a good night of sleep tonight
you might be lucky enough to dream of shin splints
just to let you know
there really are changes happening in you
under your skin
in your heart
on your body.
Slowly, but surely, you are changing.

You are a success.

It just doesn't happen all at one time.

That's all.
Be Your Best,
Becky

Beginning Again

The big news around here,
is that I have
LOST
TEN....
(count them with me----10!)


days.

Not pounds.
Days.

It is January 11th.
I have lost the first ten days of 2011
and I have no idea where there are
where they went
or how I really spent them.

Well, I know how I spend them
I was holiday-ing
Family-timing
playing
thinking
celebrating
and
waiting
and waiting

and

waiting.

I have been waiting for my life to go back to Normal
for the children to be back in school
(they went for four days last week & have been out for two snow days this week)
for my days to become mine again
for my house to be empty and silent
for chunks of time to be free
for bedtimes to be routine
for mornings to be orderly
for my Mondays through Fridays to be on a school clock

But it just hasn't happened so far

and I am going crazy
I am frustrated
and irritated
and coming out of my skin
and know that I must
do
something

Something about it...

Today.
Now.
THIS very moment.

I have to
Begin

in the middle of waiting
I must begin what I need to do
for ME
even while I am waiting
and attending to
and fitting in
and delaying
and feeling lost in the details

Today,
I begin writing again
I begin dancing for me again
I begin closing my door
setting boundaries
making myself take time for
my self
and setting in place, the boundaries and safeties I had in place
before.

I begin again
today,
10 days IN
to 2011

I
Will
Not
wait until the end of the day
I will not
wait until
11 days
or 31 days
or 2 months
have passed on the calendar.

Because I KNOW that I can do something today.
I KNOW there is some change I can make
some effort I can muster
some moment
some adjustment
some decision
some conscious choice
some point
in my day
in my actions
in my eating
in my activity
in my schedule
in my relationships
in my conversations
in my moments of solitude
in my morning
or my afternoon
or my evening
or my night
which will represent a beginning
a turning
a returning
a pursuing
a defining
of ME
which I have been neglecting
or avoiding
or settling for
or allowing
or forgetting
or denying
or fearing

in this state of being me.


I begin today

I will write
I will blog
I will Tweet
I will rest
I will dance
I will feed myself on the moments
I will feed myself on my music
I will feed myself on the affection of my children
the snow in my yard
the pretty nail polish I got for Christmas
the fun earrings I was putting off wearing for a special event
the Rasinets I was stashing for the next movie I'd see

Today I am beginning again
Going back to the things I wrote about for five months HERE.
I am going back to my very first post
and beginning again
I am signing up for the Dance Party, all over again.
Going back to the beginning and
beginning
again.

So,
here is my plan
I will re-read, as I blog
I will remind myself of what I said back in August
and do all the things I need and want to do in my journal.
I will add new posts
I will make adjustments
I will think again, feel again, share again
in my high heels and red lipstick

Because it's not like I (or we)
ever get to a place, where we have truly
arrived
become
accomplished
determined
finished
or
become
completely
COMPLETED.

Ever.
Each day means there is more
more to see, do,
experience and become.

And today is not the Last Day
for me....
Today is the First Day
Today I begin again.
Today is MY First Day of 2011
I don't really care about the date on the calendar

It is my day to begin.

And I just did.

I am welcoming myself back.
I am here again.


Welcome Back, Everybody.
Let's get this party started (again!)
Let's Begin Again!


That's all
Be Your Best,
Becky